*Cara Harvey * (00:00:03) – Welcome to the Purpose Driven Moms show here at A Purpose Driven Mom, we believe that it’s possible to manage your home, work on your personal goals, and grow and scale an online business. Most productivity tips out there tell you to hustle more and make you feel shame about not being motivated enough. And we’re here to dispel this myth. I’m Kara Harvey and I am on a mission to help work at home. Moms realize that they have the power to go after their dreams, take care of themselves, and manage their home without perfectionism, guilt, or having to sacrifice their sleep. If you’re ready to shift your thinking around productivity and get some practical tips to help you manage your mom life, toss your earbuds in while you fold the laundry. And let’s do this! Welcome to the Purpose of Your Mom Show episode 415. Today, we’re gonna get a little vulnerable. We’re going to share a little personal story. I was recording an episode that went out last week, and in it I was talking a little bit about like, our financial journey and struggles and things like that.

*Cara Harvey * (00:00:57) – And I realized, you know, I’ve been doing this for five years. We just hit the five year purpose driven podcast anniversary, and I’ve had my business for almost seven now because I have the business before the podcast. And I realized that I take for granted, I think what people might know about me and my story, and I don’t share it enough. And so today I am going to be sharing a little bit about what I’ve learned while in therapy. But my mental health journey, why I keep coming back, and some lessons that as a working on being a reformed people pleaser, we’ll say reforming people pleaser. I think you might also want to know show notes are going to be at a purpose driven romcom slash podcast for 15, but we’re going to be informal today, friend. We are just going to chat a little bit about mental health. We’re going to chat a little bit about why I think therapy is the best proactive self-care that you can do for yourself, and then some tips on on how to say no and use it as an absolute complete sentence, because that is what it is.

*Cara Harvey * (00:01:54) – So before we get started, I am going to be talking candidly about things that might be triggering to some people. I’m going to talk about my own struggles with anxiety and depression, and so those things could be upsetting to some people. So just so you know, if this is not the vibe for you today, permission granted, not that you need it to go ahead and skip this episode and we’ll hang out again next week. I have actually been somebody who’s been seeing a counselor slash therapist since I was in the seventh grade. I remember having to go to the school guidance counselor because I told my mom that I wanted to hurt myself, and I had been very sad and depressed. And I then spent one day a week at lunch with a couple friends in a small group, talking about our feelings and things like that. There were a couple things that kind of got me to this place I had been. It’s interesting now, so I am going ahead and listening to this book about bullying in the early elementary ages.

*Cara Harvey * (00:02:50) – Because my daughter is eight, we’re dealing with girl dynamics and I’m an avid learner, so I’m listening to this book. It’s called Little Girls Can Be Mean How to Bully Proof Your Kids in the Early years, I think, is the subtitle, and it’s like bringing me back a little bit. Not that I was bullied or picked on, but there was a situation where I had lost a friend group over the summer between six and seventh grade, and it really kind of started me feeling these sadness, you know, the feelings that were a little depressive and sad. And at the same time, my parents. This was right before my parents got divorced. So there was a lot of things happening. So I would go to, you know, counseling and things like that. And there was a period in this where I thought about taking my own life. I thought, well, what’s the point? Like, what is the point of of any of this anymore? And so we kind of ramped up the therapy and things like that, and my life progressed and things kind of actually got worse for me.

*Cara Harvey * (00:03:41) – I’ve shared this in past episodes, but I was sexually assaulted when I was 14, and a lot of that kind of led me to the person that I feel like I am today, because it was this mix of like, I needed to shrink because I didn’t want to be seen, but then I wanted to have a big personality to be validated. This. And again, this is all the stuff you hear me say all the time. Like, this is the stuff we talk about in therapy. And I remember during that time I was not seeing a therapist. This was all through high school, and it’s probably the hardest time of my life, but nobody really know my parents. You know, I look back and I think they did the best they could with the information they had, but I don’t feel like they kind of like noticed my issues in the way that I wanted to. I was definitely crying out for help in my behaviors, and I still didn’t have any help or any therapist or anything.

*Cara Harvey * (00:04:24) – So I went to college. My anxiety had gotten really bad in college, and I had found myself drinking a lot in order to kind of self-medicate and go into this persona. I always share like this, like party girl persona. I felt like I kind of had to have because I was doing anything I could, because in my brain, any attention was better than the lack of attention I feel like I got for a long time. And so I was struggling with anxiety. It was getting it was getting really bad where the thoughts were coming back up for me of wanting to hurt myself. You know, it was the second time in college I remember sitting in my sorority bathroom thinking like, just do it, you know, like, let’s, let’s go. And I was in semi adult, right? It wasn’t my early 20s and decided to see the counselor, the therapist, whatever they offered. I don’t know what their actual title was over at the college campus, and that really did help me a little bit.

*Cara Harvey * (00:05:09) – And interestingly, that is also when I started to explore religion. I just thought there had to be something else out there for me, and I started to go to different types of services and reading all types of books. This is before it was a Christian. I became a Christian at 30 and so it was all kind of tied together. We’ll fast forward a little bit. I become a professional. I’m teaching, I’m doing my thing, and I’m still getting in therapy. Right. I think I had two tried two different therapists, and then all of a sudden my schedules would get busy. How we do right? Like schedules get busy. It’s not the best vibe. So you stop going. But I remember I kept thinking like I need. Look, I can’t do this on my own. I want to heal. I want to get better. I have this trauma. I have all these things. So I kept going back. Let’s fast forward a little bit. I feel like this is like watching a blockbuster.

*Cara Harvey * (00:05:52) – Like, let’s fast forward, and now we’re at the point where I had my daughter and I remember being very sad. Now, looking back, I know that it was postpartum depression or anxiety, but I remember going to my doctor and she just said, well, you have the baby blues, right? Like we all have these things. This is kind of how it is. And I said, okay, my feelings are invalid, right? That’s the lesson I learned there. My feelings aren’t valid. I’m just being dramatic, which is the lesson I’ve learned my entire life, is that I was too dramatic in my feelings, so I should shrink. And I just kept it going, right. I thought, I just have to keep going. I have to keep performing, I have to keep serving, etc.. After I had my son, who’s seven now, my postpartum anxiety and depression was it was bad. I just remember sitting on the floor sobbing and just sobbing. And at this point I was a Christian and I was just crying out to God, like, help me.

*Cara Harvey * (00:06:40) – Like, I don’t know what to do. And I felt his nudge of like, you need to go get help. And I went back into therapy, was officially diagnosed with the postpartum anxiety and depression, and I got help. And I really loved my therapist. We kind of unpacked a lot of those things, those issues that I had, and she was actually the first person I had and identified that what had happened to me was considered like sexual assault at all. I was 14 years old. There was a man that I worked with who was in his 30s. Things happened. Right? There’s I think I have another episode from maybe a couple of years ago where I share more of this off looking into all that right now. But she was the first one to be like, you know, like, that’s not okay. Like that wasn’t okay and that wasn’t your fault. And I had blamed myself for so long. And so I loved this therapist. I loved her so much because she had she had finally helped me identify and realize, like, things that I had not even come to terms with.

*Cara Harvey * (00:07:29) – And we had made a lot of progress. And then my husband had lost his job. We were without insurance for months. And so because of that, I had to stop seeing her. I felt myself starting in the past few years to struggle more and more, and more because I was without a therapist. So I thought, I need to get it. This is such a good, proactive tool. I’m going to pause to invite you to something brand new. We’re doing here at team ePDM, and that is the very first in-person, purpose driven Mom conference. September 28th and 29th. I am hosting an event right here in Philadelphia that you can attend where we can be together live. The goal of this conference is to help you decide what dreams you want to work on, what goals matter to you, and to really embrace the person you are now in motherhood. We’re going to spend time mapping out the end of your year, creating time blocks for you to work on these dreams and goals. And I have three incredible guest speakers coming to help you embrace and love your mom life journey and go after your goals and dreams.

*Cara Harvey * (00:08:29) – This event is been on my heart for years, and if you go to a purpose driven romcom slash conference, you can hear and read all about it. And I want to let you know that this event will sell out. We will be capping around 60 attendees, so as soon as it sells out, it is done. I want you to head to a purpose driven ROM com slash conference, or check out the Shownotes for the link and come join us in Philadelphia. We are going to have the most incredible experience. It is in September. You have enough time to plan to make it happen, to tell a friend, we cannot wait to see you at the Purpose Driven Mom conference and have some in real life time together again. That’s September 28th and 29th, and you can go to a purpose driven Nme.com conference to learn more. So I went to, I think, BetterHelp or like one of those, and I found a therapist and I did not like her. We did not vibe our first session.

*Cara Harvey * (00:09:19) – She told me that I talked too much and that she can under, quote, understand how some people might find me offputting because it’s hard to get a word in edgewise. And I thought, isn’t that what I’m paying you for? But also it validated all these like, reasons I was in therapy, like all these ways. I was like, oh my gosh, everybody hates me. Like all this stuff that I was going through a personal situation with. So I stopped. I was like, I’m not doing this anymore. I can’t keep dating. I was considered dating, a therapist. And then about four months ago, I found my new therapist. I used group therapy for anybody who’s looking. it was really great because I could just put my insurance and my co-pays $10. I was able to get an appointment with somebody. It’s virtual, though. She actually doesn’t live far from me. I wouldn’t drive. It was, like, for, like, 40 minutes, but, you know, she’s like, in this sort of area, and I love her.

*Cara Harvey * (00:10:06) – I don’t think Gina listens to my podcast, but shout out Gina, we always joke me and my friends, we have Gina isms. And with, one of us starts to spiral in a, like, anxious type of people pleasing way, we’ll be like, well, what would Gina say? What would Gina say? Right? And I’m excited because I want to keep going. Now. When I started working with Gina, these past few months had pressing issues, you know, and I remember her first session and I was like, I have all these issues that I was like, and here are the things that are pressing right. This is what’s in the now, here’s my list of five. And then here are my four deep rooted issues. Right. This is this issue. And this is like I’m pretty self-aware. Like I know what my trauma is that I want to unpack and heal from. And she was like, okay, here we go. And it’s been incredibly healing. So why did my sharing and spending these like first ten minutes telling you these things? Because I want you to know that no matter where you’ve been with your mental health, like, while I may not have been in the same situation, I understand what it feels like to feel hopeless, to feel like it can never get better.

*Cara Harvey * (00:11:03) – And I just want to encourage you that you deserve to feel good, right? We know we’re not going to feel perfect. We know that we’re not going to feel good, quote unquote. All the time. But you deserve to feel good. You deserve to not feel like I always said to her, like, you know, I don’t like the word crazy, but I’m like, I just want to feel normal. I was like, are these thoughts that I’m having? Like, what’s wrong with me? That that’s a lot of my anxiety is like catastrophizing over what I’m doing wrong. It’s a lot of self-blame, things like that. Like what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with me? And to have somebody be like, there’s nothing wrong with you while simultaneously helping me get the tools to feel better. It’s magic. So I want to share a few things and a few lessons I’ve learned from this session with Gina, because she’s amazing. That I think could help you today. But I also want to encourage you if you’ve tried therapy and it didn’t work, try another therapist.

*Cara Harvey * (00:11:50) – Right? You have to give it time. You may not have the right person. I think I’ve seen like seven different people in the span of my life. You may not have the right person, right? So you do want to make sure that you keep going back. And also, I think a mistake I was making that I’m sure a few of you are is like when we’re quote better, we think, oh, I don’t need to go back to therapy like I’m fine, right? The first few weeks with Gina, I had some serious issues. I had to, like, work through things that were depressing. And then I had two weeks where I showed up and I was like, Gina, I don’t have anything on my list today. Were we able to find something for the hour? Yeah, I have a laundry list of issues and trauma and all that stuff, but it was nice because I came anyway. And I think a lot of times we think I’m healed. I don’t need to go back.

*Cara Harvey * (00:12:36) – I want you to think of therapy as a proactive tool you can use for yourself, a form of self-care, even. We were just talking about this, Gina and I like even just taking that hour to just have a sounding board to just talk things out sometimes, like, we’re really informal. I really like her, and I just need to talk stuff out because I’m home, sitting here in front of a microphone, right, all day long, and sometimes I just need an extra person to externally process with. It’s worth it. I know that it’s hard. Depending on your season of life. You have kids and you’re shuffling things around. I’m fortunate so far that I’ve been able to schedule my appointments during the school day. Well, now that it’s summer, I’ve had to look at Gina’s schedule for June and July. I’m recording this in June. I know this episode goes out in July, but I had to look and I picked the weeks my kids were at camp. So I said to myself, I may not be able to get appointments every week now, but I am going to get appointments scheduled right now at the beginning of summer for what I know I can do.

*Cara Harvey * (00:13:29) – Like, I know my kids are at camp this week, I’m gonna 100% make sure that the weeks they’re at camp, because I do want to focus. It is distracting for me if I have to, like if anyone else. Even when my husband works from home like it is distracting to me because I’m like in my head thinking like, can they hear me? And things like that? So I scheduled those. I was like, no excuses. And then what I’m going to do week to week is if I feel like something’s come up and I really need to talk about it with her, I can go into her scheduler and I can pick something. Will it be convenient? No, my kids might be home, things like that. But I can make it work if I need to because it’s important to me. She mentioned to me that her her hours are changing for August, and she’s going to do nights and weekends now. I do not want to do anything at night. Our nights are incredibly full and incredibly busy and our weekends are as well, so I.

*Cara Harvey * (00:14:11) – I would prefer to not do that, but here’s what I know. If something is important to you, you will figure out how to prioritize it for your schedule. It is important to me that I at least go like maybe I can’t go every week, which is ideal, but can I at least take two hours out of my month and go every other week and sacrifice a few things where maybe it’s inconvenient? Maybe my kids are in the other room. Maybe I have to ask for help and ask somebody to take. In August, my kids will be at football like, say, take my kid to football so I can stay in the car or something. or do that, or even, like, take my therapy on a walk with me while my son is at football and walk around the field, things like that. It’s not convenient, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not worth it. And I think this goes for a lot of our goals. We have calls and the Purpose Driven Club, which you can go to a purpose driven MLB.com slash club, get on the waitlist, fill out an application for the next time we open at the end of the summer.

*Cara Harvey * (00:15:00) – But the calls are not ideal for everyone’s schedule. They are based on a few things surveys we sent out of when people want calls, and when my team can get on calls. I cannot make a schedule around everyone’s availability, right? That’s not a sustainable business. And we did that for a bit. We had a call one two people were getting on. It wasn’t worth the expense of paying a coach to delete the call. So we stopped it. And then people like, oh, we loved the call. But here’s the thing. I know it’s not always convenient, but you can prioritize things. It’s one hour a week, right? This is what I tell people like it’s and you don’t even have to stay on for the club. You can literally get on, get your coaching and leave. But for me it was thinking like, okay, it’s four hours maximum a month, that I might have a little inconvenience in my schedule that I need for me. Okay, so I just want to encourage you like, yes, maybe the schedule doesn’t always line up for you, but can you ask your people, ask your stakeholders like, hey, I really think that I would like, I need this, how can we make it work? Okay, so that’s my story.

*Cara Harvey * (00:15:54) – That’s my pitch. That’s my everybody getting therapy session. Do you want to hear what I’ve learned in my past couple months? It’s been really good. And I think you might also enjoy. On a pause really quickly to invite you to an absolutely free workshop I am hosting called From Dream to Reality. It is a mom Preneur Business Planning Absolutely free webinar, and it’s going to teach you how to use the planning pathway framework to figure out how to break down your business goals and make your business dreams a reality. You go to a purpose driven, romcom slash dream to reality so that you can get your seat and the replay in case you can’t attend. What we’re going to be covering in this time is talking through your business idea how you can take it from in your head something you’re thinking about to actual creation. The Planning Pathway framework talks about who you want to help and what this looks like, where this fits into your goals. Hey, maybe you want to have a podcast this year. Write a book.

*Cara Harvey * (00:16:50) – Start a new course. Where should you put that in your year? We’re also going to get how it’s going to happen and talk about the breakdown of the goals, and then what it’s going to look like when it all comes together. In this free workshop, I’m going to teach you this framework. So whether you’re somebody who has a business who’s been trying to figure out how to make it work, how to monetize it, you’re going to want to attend, or if you’re somebody who’s thinking you might want to start a business in 2024, I’m going to invite you to come attend this free workshop where you can learn how to take your business dream from inside your head to making it a reality and creating a plan. Go to a purpose driven romcoms. Dream to reality to get your absolutely free seat. Before we kick off. One is people pleasing. That’s like my biggest issue. Some tips. Gina reminds me often boundaries are okay. It is okay to create boundaries with people. And if they choose not to respect your boundaries, that says more about them than you.

*Cara Harvey * (00:17:44) – You are permitted to say no. If something doesn’t line up, you are permitted to do things. Just because I had this one time, I was talking through something with her and I was like, I just sometimes I just don’t feel like doing something right. Like I do a lot for my friends kids. They do a lot for my kids. It’s a very village mentality, but there’s just sometimes I’m like, I just don’t want to do it. I just don’t want to. I serve a lot, with scouts and things like that. And sometimes I’m just tired. I just don’t want to be in charge of anyone else’s kid. Like, I’m just, like, tired. And I would always feel guilty about this. And Gina said, why? You’re allowed to not do something just because you don’t want to. You don’t always have to have a reason or an excuse or a validation. You don’t have to be like, I can’t do this because. And if someone doesn’t respect that, you say, I can’t do this without having to make you feel guilty or but you all have those people in your life that make you feel guilty or oh, I guess you know, my kid can’t go then.

*Cara Harvey * (00:18:33) – Or like, I guess we can’t go out or, you know, we can’t meet up. That’s not really the type of person you want in your life. The other thing that we talked about a lot and we still talk about, is how my feelings also matter. I spent a lot of my life trying to manage other people’s feelings, and Gina has encouraged me. So I want to encourage you today that you can’t control that. I know it sucks, right? There’s a really good book. It’s called the Art of Saying No, and it talks about this concept. Right? I cannot control what anyone is going to think, feel or do like whoa, mic drop. Right? But I don’t like that because I like to control things, right? I know that that’s where I have an issue is I can be controlling, but I can’t. I can’t control how someone’s going to think about something, how they’re going to feel or how they’re going to respond. What I can control is what I do, and it’s important to identify and remember that about yourself as well.

*Cara Harvey * (00:19:18) – Also that your feelings matter. because I’m trying to control people’s feelings in this issue I’m working on, I forget about my own. And I had a situation, and she had said to me something that was really big. She was like, why do you care so much about somebody else’s feeling that clearly do not care about yours? So you can see why I have a notepad of Gina statements. Right? Like she’s so good. I was like, I don’t know, like, why do I do that? And it’s because I have grown up feeling like my feelings don’t matter, right? Like my feelings are too big, everyone else’s feelings must go first, etc. so what if instead you stopped and you said to yourself, my feelings matter as much as anybody else’s feelings. I just need to figure out the best way to communicate them right? Because sometimes when I communicate with my husband, for example, right, like I might come off angry, or he might get defensive because he feels like I’m nagging or attacking, right? So what I’m in control of is how I communicate.

*Cara Harvey * (00:20:07) – But also those feelings matter. One of the other things that, was kind of a big lesson and maybe you need to hear, though, is shrinking down. Like, I feel like for me, a lesson I had learned a lot was like, play small because you don’t want to be braggy. People make a lot of people make me feel bad for things. Oh, Kara thinks she’s so great. Like, whatever it is, stop shrinking for other people. The people that are meant to be in your life. The people that are meant to be in your circle, the people that deserve that time, are not going to make you play small. You know, there’s quotes and memes about like female friendships. And it’s like empowering women, like empower others. Like it’s all about building each other up. That’s why I love the club, because we are like each other’s hype squad. I don’t want anyone to ever feel like they have to shrink in my presence, because it’s going to make me feel bad.

*Cara Harvey * (00:20:50) – Like if you did something, I cannot wait to celebrate you. Like, let me cheer you on. And I think for a lot of my life I felt like I couldn’t do that. Okay. And then my last one, which I didn’t like and I’m still fighting her on, is the planning. So I was explaining. To Gina about planning, and I was like, I love planning because it helps me like feel more in control of my time. And one of the things we’re working on is, but what do you do when it doesn’t work out? Which I laugh because that’s what I teach all of you. What do we do if it doesn’t work out? And so, because I still am a work in progress, I wanted to just share with you that it’s not going to always work out and it’s okay. You can plan as much as you want, but you and this is what I was saying to her, I was like, I like to plan, but I do go in with a realistic mindset.

*Cara Harvey * (00:21:31) – I’m planned, but I’m going to give myself grace for when it doesn’t go right. If you’re somebody who’s struggling with that of your plan and plan and the second year plan goes off the rails, you don’t know what to do. Please come to the Purpose Driven Mom Club because that is something, you know, we talk about. You know, it’s really funny because I was going to record this episode and I was like, I can’t, I can’t do it because I’m going to sit on this recording and I’m going to talk about my flaws, and I’m going to talk about all the things I coach other women. Right? Like I coach other moms in and think in these similar parallel ish things. And I’m still struggling. So they’re going to think I’m flawed. They’re going to think I can’t be their coach. They’re going to think I’m broken, like all these things. And then I remember this lesson I just told you, I cannot control what you think, feel or do based on what I’ve just told you.

*Cara Harvey * (00:22:12) – But I can own my truth. I can share it with you. And I know that my intent in sharing today is empowerment. I want to empower you to know that you’re not broken. There’s nothing wrong with you, but it’s okay to want to work on yourself, to become the person you deserve to be, because you deserve that. Thanks for hanging out today. Super informal. Not really a lot of notes, just kind of, letting you know some things that were on my heart today. And I just felt like somebody need to hear it. Show notes are the Purpose of RomComs Podcast 4.15. Today, I just want to encourage you if you’re not in therapy, I recommend it. If you didn’t pick that up. You do not have to struggle and suffer by yourself. You can get help to feel better. You’re never going to feel perfect, right? We know this, but I know that it’s possible to feel better. And what what is interesting is I always explain therapy is like the band aid.

*Cara Harvey * (00:22:58) – Like, you know, when you get a blister on your foot, you’re walking, you get a blister on your foot and then it’s open. It’s like popped open and so freaking annoying. That’s what therapy feels like. So the past few months, I’ve kind of stepped back a little bit from from some friends and stuff. Not for any reason, except I just needed space. I’ve been feeling emotional. I’m digging up all this trauma. I’m having to feel my feelings instead of ignore them. And it is tiring. I’m exhausted. I’m so tired. But it’s not bad. It’s not a bad thing at all. It’s a great thing to be able to connect with yourself. One of the things that we started with Gina and I was like, what do you really want in life? And we’ve been working on that, like, what do I want and why? To be able to do that is so empowering and I want that for you too. So virtual hugs today, friends. We’ll chat next week.

*Cara Harvey * (00:23:41) – We’ll get more practical. I know we’re a little feeling today. Maybe you didn’t like it, but maybe you did. And I hope for the person that needed to hear this today, they heard what they needed. Show notes are at a purpose driven romcom slash podcast 415. We’ll chat soon. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of The Purpose Driven Mom Show. If this episode served you in any way, we would really appreciate it if you headed over to wherever you listen to podcast, hit that five star and leave a review and a rating. That’s how more moms can find us and we can grow our community. If you had a tip or an Make sure you come over and tag me at a Purpose Driven Mom on Instagram and share it with your friends. The best way for us to get this message out there of less hustle and less shame and more intentionality, is for you to share it with people you know need to hear it. Thanks for listening. We appreciate you and I can’t wait to connect with you more outside of the podcast.