Cara Harvey 00:00:03 Welcome to the Purpose Driven Mom show here at A Purpose Driven Mom, we believe that it’s possible to manage your home, work on your personal goals, and grow and scale in online business. Most productivity tips out there tell you to hustle more and make you feel shame about not being motivated enough. And we’re here to dispel this myth. I’m Kara Harvey and I am on a mission to help work at home. Moms realize that they have the power to go after their dreams, take care of themselves, and manage their home without perfectionism, guilt, or having to sacrifice their sleep. If you’re ready to shift your thinking around productivity and get some practical tips to help you manage your mom life. Toss your earbuds in while you fold the laundry. And let’s do this!

Cara Harvey 00:00:44 Welcome to the purpose of My Mom Show episode 481. I cannot believe we are getting ready to almost hit 500 episodes in just 20 more. Thank you. If you have been hanging out for a while and thank you. If this is your first time hanging out with us here today, I am talking about how to say no this holiday season without feeling bad, without feeling guilty, without feeling like you’re the worst mom in the world.

Cara Harvey 00:01:05 Creating some intentional boundaries. Because here’s the thing. The holiday season can be so magical, but it’s very overwhelming for us moms. We just finished up a few weeks ago, our holiday planning series that I did, and yes, I did it in September. And yes, I did it in September because you need to start early enough to not be stressed. Now listen, if you haven’t done that yet, don’t worry, you can get started now. But it starts with knowing what to say no to. I remember when the kids were like even smaller than they are now. So my kids are eight. I’m trying to think almost ten. So eight, nine and almost 19. Okay, wow. I’m like, we’re in. Birthday season is what we call the fall. I have a September and November and a December birthday with my kids, so I’m always like, how old is everyone at this exact moment? When they were little, little. I remember seeing everybody on the internet, all the friends on Instagram Graham doing all this stuff.

Cara Harvey 00:01:58 And I kept thinking, oh my gosh, I really want to do this. And then I want to do that, and then I want to do this event, and then we got to go see Santa. We got to do this thing. And do you know what happened? My kids melted down because they needed a break. It was too overstimulating. It was too many things to do. And I was doing it. Yes, because I wanted my kids to have this magical time. But I also was doing it because I thought, and I’ll be honest, this is what a good mom does, right? A good mom takes her kids to these holiday events. A good mom is always doing these things. But here’s the thing what a good mom is in my home. It might be different than a good mom for you because it’s it’s circumstantial. It’s based on you and your family. Right? Yeah. There’s some basic things that like, you know, you love and care for your kids, right? But when it comes to what you say yes to, I just want to remind you that you get to decide what those things are.

Cara Harvey 00:02:48 You get to set boundaries. You get to say no with confidence, without guilt, and do what you want to do. I have learned that I am the type of person who does not enjoy multiple events on one day. I am a one event person. So while yes, we often have something to do every day of the weekend, I don’t like more than one. I don’t want to go to this. So this is coming out in October, right? So I don’t like to go to this fall fest and then go to this pumpkin picking and then go to this trunk, or I don’t want to do three things in one day and surprise my kids. Also, while they’ll say they want to do it while it’s fun for them, it stresses them out as well. They’re nervous systems, right? It’s our job to help regulate them. But because as we get into this holiday season, the fall in the winter, moms are seen as the makers of the holiday magic, right? Creating this invisible expectation that often comes from others and ourselves.

Cara Harvey 00:03:43 All right. And you know, I’m going to talk to a couple about a couple things. I just want to say this out loud. So if you’re a mom, I would pop your headphone in because we’re talking holiday stuff. We’re about holiday magic. All right. So we want to make sure your headphones are in if you have your little kids around, right, so that you and me can have a conversation without the without the ities. Because then I’ll give you a second to do that and I’ll say what I was going to say. But because we’re the makers of the magic, we find the trunk retreats. We take the called, the mental load. Right? There’s some really great accounts you can follow. I followed a couple on TikTok. I actually got rid of my TikTok ten days ago. As of this recording, I’m doing okay. But there was this account I remember would come on my feet and it was a man, and he would roleplay like the mental load and like taking the mental load off your wife.

Cara Harvey 00:04:23 And I just remember feeling like so scene because there’s all these invisible expectations that are given to us as mom. Right. In 2022, the American Psychological Association did a study, write a survey, and they found that 38% of women reported increased stress during the holidays, compared to just 25% of men. Now, I bet that number is even higher. And I’m not shocked that our number is higher than my husband’s. Number one, my husband doesn’t stress about much anyway, like as a person, he’s not a very super stressed guy, but we often are the ones making the magic. We’re the ones who are like, I’m going to move the elf around right there. The ones that are like, I’m gonna sign us up to go have a trunk at this thing. For many relationships, for me, my husband isn’t going to sign us up to do a trunk or treat. He’s not going to decorate a trunk. He’ll come. He’ll wear the costume, but he’s not going to organize. Those things his brain does doesn’t work that way.

Cara Harvey 00:05:19 And because of societal pressures, the way we’re wired, whatever you want to say it right, we take on the emotional labor of the holidays, planning the costumes, cleaning for Thanksgiving dinner, getting the gifts, getting the traditions going. And that’s where the guilt comes in. I’ve got a brand new freebie for you.

Cara Harvey 00:05:38 To go.

Cara Harvey 00:05:38 And check out, and it is a time blocking planner.

Cara Harvey 00:05:41 A super.

Cara Harvey 00:05:41 Simple sheet that you.

Cara Harvey 00:05:43 Can use to.

Cara Harvey 00:05:43 Use micro.

Cara Harvey 00:05:44 Wins.

Cara Harvey 00:05:45 Plus time blocking to get things done. This summer when everything feels overwhelming or honestly, you’re.

Cara Harvey 00:05:49 Just unmotivated and want to go sit by the pool, you can go to a.

Cara Harvey 00:05:52 Purpose driven romcom, time.

Cara Harvey 00:05:53 Blocking.

Cara Harvey 00:05:54 And that’ll bring.

Cara Harvey 00:05:54 You.

Cara Harvey 00:05:54 To this absolutely.

Cara Harvey 00:05:55 Free principal.

Cara Harvey 00:05:56 Planner that you can use. There’s a video that goes along with my top time blocking.

Cara Harvey 00:05:59 Tips.

Cara Harvey 00:06:00 And helps you figure.

Cara Harvey 00:06:01 Out how to get your schedule moving and grooving. That’s a purpose driven romcom. Time blocking.

Cara Harvey 00:06:08 There’s this fear of disappointing our family.

Cara Harvey 00:06:10 Oh well, we’ve always done this and we haven’t done it this year. Or maybe even your extended family. Maybe you often host for the holidays and you don’t want to do it. Or maybe you do a certain thing when it comes to gifts and you don’t want to do it now. My daughter was born December 23rd. She came home on Christmas Day. I remember that year because we normally host Christmas, we normally host Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter. We do most of the holidays. We have the little kids now, so it just makes the most sense for us to host in our extended family when it comes to my husband’s side. Also, I don’t mind doing it, so it’s fine, right? So we didn’t want to do anything we like. We don’t want anyone to come over. We’re not doing anything. Was there guilt of disappointing people? It’s Christmas. They want to spend time with family. Yeah, but I just had a baby, and we just got home, so I don’t want you there.

Cara Harvey 00:06:53 My sister and I, we stopped giving each other gifts every year. And we do what’s called sister weekend. And so in the not during the holiday season, we normally do it like February, March, but we might switch it this year just because now that my daughter does competitions here, it overlaps with cookie season. It’s just a lot to do. We’ll take a weekend of just the two of us, and it’s not even the full weekend. Like we’ll meet on a Saturday early and we’ll just stay overnight till Sunday and stay all day Sunday. Sunday we just get a hotel room and we hang out together and we enjoy our time together. You know, when I brought the idea up, it was kind of like, oh, I don’t want to be disappointed because there’s no presence. But also this is so much more meaningful. It’s getting the time together. So I get the guilt right of disappointing your family. But I want you to know that, and I think this is important for us moms, my immediate family, me, my husband, my three kids, they’re my nucleus, right? They’re the ones that matter the most.

Cara Harvey 00:07:43 They are the ones that I am aiming to make happier. Right? They’re the ones that their decisions matter over. Anyone else in my family know? Yes. I’m accommodating. I love my family, my extended family. We do our best, but their things come first. Okay, so if you are getting the guilt trip, the extended family guilt trip, I just want to remind you that you can say no to those things, and we’ll talk about how to do that in a second. The other, I think, guilty peace that kind of comes out is this fear of not fear, guilt of missing out. Oh, I wish I had done this with my kids. I think this happened a little bit for me at the end of summer. So I’m recording this early September. Summer just ended. The kids are back at school. There are definitely things that we didn’t go camping at all this year, and I’m really bummed about that. And every time I see someone camping, I’m like, oh, I wish I had done that right.

Cara Harvey 00:08:30 There’s regrets of things we weren’t able to make happen. I think often when we’re on social media, and this is honestly one of the other reasons I got rid of my TikTok was just to kind of decrease that amount of comparison of just like, what are other people doing? I’m not gonna lie. I’m sad, though, because I learned a lot from TikTok. There’s so many good how to videos there. It’s fine. I’ll be okay. But that fear of missing out on an opportunity of saying no to something you think your kids are gonna like, right? We’re just not being a quote unquote good mom, right? You see everyone else doing all these things and you’re like, oh, what? You know, what is it for me? Now, the thing is, reframing the word no is going to help you here. No is a positive choice. When you say no to something, you’re saying yes to something else. So if I am saying no, we can’t make we don’t need to do five trunk or trees.

Cara Harvey 00:09:18 And like this is the thing when my kids are little, oh my gosh. I was like, let’s do everyone one. My kids are two and under like, nobody’s eating that candy, right? And do they are bored like it’s it’s cute but like we don’t have to do it. So we do one at the school. We might do one at our church. I might host another one that I’m doing with the Macaroni Kid, which is the new company I’m working with. I might host another one, but we don’t need to do every single one, right? So when I’m saying no to the seventh trunk or treat of the holiday season because they can just go trick or treating on Halloween, I’m saying yes to time where we can play a game together, or time where I can read my book or another tradition that I actually want to do. And I think that’s always my reminder when I’m like, no, we’re not going to make it to this event. I’m asking myself, well, what are we doing in place of it? And that’s worth it to me.

Cara Harvey 00:10:02 No. Does it mean that you’re shutting down joy? Also, I think when it comes to the holidays, we again, magic makers are like, oh my God, am I the Joy killer, right? It’s creating space for what matters. So permission granted. Not that you need it. It’s a phrase we use here all the time of the club. Permission granted. Not that you need it, but I’m going to give it to you as soon as we need to hear it. If you don’t want to do the darn elf, don’t do the darn elf. Don’t do it now. I enjoy the elf, right? I like moving it around and oh, I feel a little mush right now. Like I could cry. My daughter knows the truth. Oh my gosh, I really do feel like I’m going to cry. So if you’re watching on YouTube, don’t laugh at me. But like I am teary up a little bit because oh no, this is the first Christmas where she knows the truth.

Cara Harvey 00:10:46 Oh my goodness. And that feels so sad for me, right? But I want to remind myself that we can still have joy. I can still move it around. We can still do things. Now she is. She said she loves the magic of the holidays. She says she’s, you know, excited for it, but oh my goodness. Whew. I didn’t think that was going to be so sad. And it’s only September. Oh my gosh, come find me on Christmas. I’m going to be bawling my eyes out, but I can invite her to help, right? If I don’t want to do the elf, I can say, hey, do you want to move for your brother? Right? Like he still believes. Do you want to, like, help, come up with ideas and involve her in that? I can create different space or I can just say no and not do it anymore. But I don’t know. I think it’s kind of cute. Now, for the record, my elf is not a naughty elf.

Cara Harvey 00:11:32 I don’t like the naughty elves. My elf is not doing anything bad. My elf cat is doing good. We do fun crafts like it’s a cute elf. I don’t know why we would have a naughty. I just don’t understand the naughty elf concept at all. Like, why do I want to promote that to my kids? But neither here nor there. And I just want you to shift your mindset. So let’s let me let me reign in these tiers a little bit over this. I’ll have a sob later. I’m a feeler, I don’t know if this if anyone else. I’m sure many of you listening have kids, different ages, and you’ve been here like, DM me. I’m out of purpose of her mom. Give me a pep talk on how to get through the first holiday where your kid doesn’t believe anymore. Oh my God, please, please. Oh gosh, that made me so sad. Okay, I’m bringing it in. Here’s our practical mindset shift for this part of saying no, right? Thinking of no as a positive choice.

Cara Harvey 00:12:20 Boundaries are a gift to you and your family. They give you a calmer, present life and they give the kids and the family a calmer present. Mom. It is a gift. Okay, so the question is, how do we say no? I’m going to give you some scripts that are polite but firm so that you’re not stuck in people pleasing. When can you do this? Can you do that? Can you do this starts to happen. I want to invite you over to grab a $10 club pass today. The purpose of your mom club is been around for almost five years now, and we know that sometimes it can be hard to commit to something like a membership, ongoing payments, and all of the times you feel like you have to show up. So this summer we came up with the club Pass, and we are continuing it into the fall. For just $10. You can join any of our calls. We have planning calls every Sunday during the week. We have accountability calls where you can get coaching and a laser focused plan for what you want to work on.

Cara Harvey 00:13:15 And we have a co-working, which has been incredible for our members, where you literally show up with the tasks you want to get done, and we are that little kick in your booty to get it done. We are going to hold your hand as you complete the task. For only $10. You can join any of the calls and check out the purpose of a mom club. Go to a Purpose Driven Moms Club and grab your pass today and I hope to see you on a call. I want you to put these in your back pocket. All right. When you get invited to something, this is the one you’re going to say and take them. Put them right in the notepad of your phone. Ready? Thank you for inviting us, but we’re keeping our holiday schedule simple. This year, it’s not about them. You know, it is what it is. And I want to tell you, I read the Lethem theory this year. Highly recommend by Mel Robbins if you haven’t read yet. And this is one of those times when the Lethem theory really helps me.

Cara Harvey 00:14:09 Because will someone get upset if I say that? Yes. Let them. Will they think maybe I’m being rude? Maybe let them? It’s not about what they do. It’s about what I need to do for me. Hey, thank you so much for inviting us. We’re keeping the holiday schedule simple this year so we can be with our family. How about this one? Well, that sounds fun. We’re focusing on some family time at home during winter break or, you know, whatever. Thanks so much. I think about this with Halloween, right? My kids want to go trick or treating now. One year we had too many friends come. My fault, I own it. I invited way too many friends because it was exciting. And we live in a great trick or treat neighborhood. And the kids wound up fighting. Everyone wanted to be first. Some of the parents weren’t like parenting their kids, you know, because everyone had a couple drinks. It was just like, not nice, right? So my kids now are very selective about who they trick or treat with, which is no one.

Cara Harvey 00:15:02 They want to go by themselves. And so this is a phrase we use a lot. If we get invited to trick or treat. That sounds super fun. We’re just going to focus on family time or trick or treating so we could do it together again. Let them think whatever they think, right? It’s polite, but it’s firm. If the holidays are coming, Thanksgiving’s coming right next month. When this is coming out, you don’t want to host. Thanks so much for thinking of us for hosting, but we’re not going to be doing that this year if someone else wants to pick it up. I would be glad to bring a dish. Okay, you don’t have to do it right. I can’t commit to baking this year. I’d love to contribute in another way. All right. Now, if you’re scared I was gonna call you a wimp. We’re not doing that cause we don’t talk about each other like that. But if you’re like, you know, shaking in your boots a bit about saying these things, try to delay a little if you can.

Cara Harvey 00:15:45 Somebody invites you to do something. And this this is a tactic I use a lot because my kids, kids in general, we try really hard to be like, don’t. I taught my kids like, don’t ask to do something in front of someone’s parent, right? Like, if you want to go play date or sleepover, like don’t put someone on the spot. Like I’m trying to teach them that because it’s uncomfortable. Now I say yes to almost everything if it fits in our schedule when it comes to like, playdates and stuff like that, if it aligns and it fits in our schedule and we want to do it right. Like I’ll say, yes. I’m not like always saying no to stuff, but I can’t stand when I’m put on the spot by a kid because it just might. One I have anxiety, I need to plan things out, ask me, let me think about it. I will respond to you. Right? So I use this one a lot just for me, so that I don’t just jump because I love to say yes to stuff right away.

Cara Harvey 00:16:26 The simple script of let me check our calendar and get back to you. Right? Can we have a playdate? I’m going to check the calendar and get back to you. Can we go do this? Let me check the calendar. Do you want to come to my holiday party? Let me check the calendar. That gives you time to decide. Is this something aligned for me and my family? Is this event that fits in to our budget and our calendar? And is it something I even want to do? And then if you can’t face to face, grab one of these scripts and send a text over. Right. Again pre proactive. That’s one of our really big things here right. Use some technology on this. Set your calendar blocks for downtime so you don’t overbook. So when I do my monthly planning I teach it to the Purpose Driven Mom club members. One of the things we look for is our four seasons. We’ve got plan, push, rest and fun. When I’m looking at my month, I look and I make sure I have at least one nothing day.

Cara Harvey 00:17:11 It’s a day where there’s absolutely nothing on our calendar. It is hard for us to find one day with nothing. Now, the fall is actually really nice because my son isn’t doing football this year. I did not realize how much time football took in our calendar. Four nights a week practice Saturday games. This year I’m like, oh my gosh, we can play games after dinner. We’re not rushing like this. School year started off a lot nicer and his basketball practice overlaps my daughter’s scouts. So my husband takes him and I go to scouts. But we don’t have anything on Saturdays, so we actually have a little bit of nothing days. But I try really hard to be intentional, especially because I know that going into the holiday season, it’s going to be busy again. Birthdays, events, end of the year, like all that kind of stuff. And then winter break. I try to set one nothing day if I can or nothing. Days tend to be Fridays. I still work that day, so it’s not a full nothing day for me.

Cara Harvey 00:17:59 But my kids tend to not have activities, one that’s good for them and then we can hang out together. But I put it in my calendar, I block out nothing. I block out white space so that I don’t put anything there. Okay. And then make sure to prioritize like 1 to 2 family traditions that matter the most and let the most let the other ones go. So I know it’s October, but thinking Christmas because I’m always planning ahead, right? There are two things that we always do, and these are like our non-negotiables. There’s breakfast with Santa at the high school. We love it. They get a gift. They get a picture, they get food. I hope my kids want to go forever. I don’t know when they age out of that. Maybe when they’re in high school. Middle school? Maybe. I don’t want to think about Kent. I’ll cry again. And then the other one is we do the light show, where we do a drive through at the farm, and we watch the lights.

Cara Harvey 00:18:40 Right. Anything else we can do? I consider it a bonus. All right. So I highly encourage you now. Again, we plan early for a reason. Start practicing. Know in, like, low stakes situations to build your confidence. Right. Try that with your kids. Try it with other people. Try it on a play date so that when the holidays come and. And here’s the thing. We were just talking about this on a coaching call. Things are fun, right? Summer was fun. Holiday things are fun. So it’s really challenging to say no to things that are fun. But sometimes when we say too many yeses, we get burnt out, right? And we have to learn to say no. So? So practice it then. And then. How do you deal with the guilt? Right. Let’s just normalize it. You’re going to feel guilty okay. It is a natural response, but it does not mean you’re doing anything wrong. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom.

Cara Harvey 00:19:22 It doesn’t mean you know anything. You’re making it mean something. I feel really guilty that, like, we didn’t go ice skating this year. No, we don’t go. Ice skating is not a thing I do. I’m actually petrified of ice skating. Like I have this irrational fear. I’m like, you know, like, right across my neck with that skate. But, like, what if I did? Right. Oh, man. We wish we had gone ice skating. All right. I can feel guilty. Oh, we only we didn’t go to any trunk or treats this year. Okay. I do feel a little guilty, but then I want you to ask yourself a question. Do I feel guilty about this because it’s aligned or because it’s something I see someone else doing saying yes to this event, this thing, this tradition? Is it out of fear of missing out or is it out of joy? Like, oh, like if we didn’t go to the breakfast of Santa or the light show, I would be sad.

Cara Harvey 00:20:07 Like, you know, like, that’s something I really enjoy doing. Okay. Will this. Yes. Right. Cost me peace later. All right, so you start now. Start writing affirmations out. I don’t need to do it all to be a good mom. I can say yes to what matters. Journal it out. Right. Find a buddy that will help remind you of boundaries. So when stuff comes up, like I’ll say this sometimes on club calls on Sunday. So if you want to join us, just go to a purpose driven club pass for ten bucks. You can come join us for the week. And on Sundays I plan and during planning I always say what I’m doing, I’m not doing. And I’ll say to them like, oh, don’t let me plan something here, right? Oh, I don’t want to do that. And they remind me my club members are great accountability buddies for me as I am for them. Right? I just want to remind you today, saying no is just about making intentional choices and reframe your nose to a yes to what really matters.

Cara Harvey 00:20:54 Okay. Guilt is normal. It’s not a stop sign saying you’re a failure, right? Like you’re bad. It’s just you feel guilty. Cool. Now we can move on. All right. I want you to share this episode today with another mom who might be in the struggle. Bus with you and journal it out a little bit. What do you want to say no to in October? November? December? What do you want to say? No. Do as the holidays start. Because what’s challenging is making the decision in the moment. Because your brain is like in fight or flight already. So make the decision now. Decide. Once Kendra says right, decide once. What is it that you’re going to say yes to. Versus no to so that you’re not caving due to guilt? Show notes are at a purpose driven podcast for 81. And come and check us out. Get a club past this week’s show notes. Have the link for you. And come join the Purpose Driven Mom Club for one of our calls and see what we’re all about.

Cara Harvey 00:21:42 Have a wonderful week!

Cara Harvey 00:21:47 Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Purpose Driven Mom Show. If this episode served you in any way, we would really appreciate it if you headed over to wherever you listen to podcast, hit that five star and leave a review and a rating that’s home where moms can find us and we can grow our community. If you had a tip or an Make sure you come over and tag me at a Purpose Driven Mom on Instagram and share it with your friends. The best way for us to get this message out there of less hustle and less shame and more intentionality, is for you to share it with people you know need to hear it. Thanks for listening. We appreciate you and I can’t wait to connect with you more outside of the podcast.