Cara Harvey (00:04.142)

Welcome to the Purpose Driven Mom Show. Here at a Purpose Driven Mom, we believe that it’s possible to manage your home, work on your personal goals, and grow and scale an online business.

Most productivity tips out there tell you to hustle more and make you feel shame about not being motivated enough. And we’re here to dispel this myth. I’m Cara Harvey, and I am on a mission to help work-at-home moms realize that they have the power to go after their dreams, take care of themselves, and manage their home without perfectionism, guilt, or having to sacrifice their sleep. If you’re ready to shift your thinking around productivity and get some practical tips to help you manage your mom life, toss your earbuds in while you fold the laundry, and let’s do this.

Cara Harvey (00:43.874)

Welcome to the Purpose of your Mom Show, episode 518. Today we’re gonna talk about that dreaded thing called mom guilt. How do we handle it? What do we do? And how we can be a little bit kinder to ourselves. So we have a phrase over here at A PDM, and it is, stop talking about my friend like that. And I’m hoping by the end of the episode you feel a little bit lighter about the guilt that’s maybe plaguing you today, especially as we’re like into summer and you know the guilt can be so high about what we’re doing and not doing. I’m gonna put show notes over at a purpose.

Driven mom.com slash podcast 518. And if you’ve ever felt like you’re not doing enough, like I mentioned, it’s summer. The amount of this person’s already done like seven beach trips, and I haven’t, you know, been able to do anything, the amount of those thoughts, right? Or if you’ve had that pressure to balance it all, the work and the perfect parent and the perfect homemaker and the perfect self, and I work out 12 hours a day and I do all these things and I am advancing myself, right? Then you know I’m talking about.

About guilt is so common for us moms, and it is persistent. And I think so much of it is stemmed from societal pressures, the way that we’ve grown up, social media. I actually when I’m recording this, I just reading, I’m like halfway through our book club book for May. I’m recording this in May, which is How to Break Up With Your Phone. And I’m hoping by the time this airs, I’ve done the 30 days of implementation for it because I have found that that social media piece of it makes my mind.

Mom guilt so much bigger. I always say to my husband, I would be a much better mom if I didn’t compare myself to other people. I do it too, right? We all fall into it. I feel like I’m doing enough. I feel like I’m doing great. I feel like I’m really enjoying my life. And then I see someone else, right? And now you’re like, no, what am I doing wrong? I actually just taught something similar when it comes to the comparison last night from one of my jobs I worked for a nonprofit called Girls Empowered, and I taught this thing to high schoolers about social media. And we talked about the reality versus what’s really happening underneath. Like you see

See your friends and they’re posting the selfie and this friend group and they look great, but then five minutes later they’re all just on their phones not talking, right? Because people are posting highlight reels, but it allows us to feel like we live in this state of guilt of not doing enough. Mom guilt is an emotional weight of what you know is honestly just unmet expectations that we’ve created or that society’s created for us. Okay, they’re rooted in the comparison.

Cara Harvey (03:11.744)

A hundred percent. I feel like most of mom guilt is lived through comparison. It’s also that social media standard. You know, this was the other thing we were talking about yesterday, is like the filtered life and how, you know, people posting and I’ll be real, like I post stuff, but on my Facebook, for example, it’s mostly a scrapbook for me of my kids. One of the things I’ve shared on episodes before is I have a culling system that I use every day where I check my memories for myself. It’s like my favorite part of the day. I get to relive all my kids’ baby pictures, etcetera. And I

I just search the day, right? So if today is May 15th, I would search May 15th, and then every picture I’ve ever taken on May 15th comes up, I can clean out my photos and I get to go down memory lane. Most of the stuff I post on social media is to be a scrapbook for myself. That’s like the point of it for me, but it can so easily turn into this competition of seeing what other people are doing. And then guilt also stems from this internal pressure. We place such high standards on ourselves.

Realistic, that unmet expectation. I mean, moms, we’re so hard on ourselves, right? Because we feel like we should be able to do it all. I should have the perfect summer, and I should have given every one of my kids’ teachers the perfect gift, and everything should be perfect. And so we put all this pressure on ourselves, and in reality, it’s going to lead us to this feeling, this place of heaviness around what we’re not doing right. But the thing is.

Nobody’s doing it right. No one is doing everything perfectly. There is not one person out there. And some people ask me, like, you I do a lot. And I’m gonna be I do a lot. Like that’s not a fake thing. I’m not saying it to brag. I do. I physically have a lot on my plate. And people will be like, well, how do you do it? And I’m like, well, my house is a mess. And my kids probably watch more TV than I would like them to, right? Like it’s because I don’t do it all. What you see.

From other people is what they’re portraying to you. And like I’m not lying. What I am showing people is real. But all they’re seeing is the fact that I’m involved in many volunteer organizations. I work multiple jobs. Like they’re seeing that. But

Cara Harvey (05:24.012)

They’re not knowing what’s really going on in your life because they don’t live it. The perfect mom standard is unrealistic. And again, while yes, I’m I do feel like I handle things pretty well. My kids eat almost the same thing every night for dinner. My son refuses to eat anything actually right now besides frozen meatballs, and at least he’s getting some protein. Like I’m not doing it all. But when we compare ourselves to others, we start to feel like if we’re not this person, then we’re failing.

And all that’s doing for you is leading you to feeling burnout, resentful, and not fulfilled in the life that you have. And one of my focuses this summer, personally for me, is I wanna be present. I want to enjoy my family. I want to relax. I want to not worry about what other people are doing. I actually love that the most about summer.

Because we’re more unplugged. we’re not at as many activities in the summer, so things are lighter. We’re not seeing as many people every day. My kids are walkers at school, so we see people every single day. We see them at activities in school. And so it’s like, I don’t have the pressure to like hang out with people and do like it just feels so much lighter. And because of that, I’m getting less input in my brain that’s making me feel like I’m failing.

There is so many layers to this mom-guilt conversation. So I want you to think about the ones that weigh heaviest for you so we can use those during our time together on this episode to kind of analyze them and help you figure out how to push past those roadblocks that are making you feel like you’re not doing enough. There’s the whole working versus stay-at-home mom debate, right? You can feel guilty either way. I feel guilty if I’m at work and I’m not spending as much time with my kids. I feel guilty if I’m not working and providing for.

my family and this one is stemmed through societal pressures. If society just kept its nose out of other people’s business, people would feel much more content in what they want to do. I love being a working mom and I enjoy that fulfillment that I get, but there are times where I’m like, I just wish things were different, right? And then I feel guilty about the fact that I am missing out on stuff. I had to miss my son’s baseball game last night because I was working at night.

Cara Harvey (07:39.49)

And you know, the guilt is real no matter what you’re doing. And here’s always like my biggest reminder for all the guilt things you probably feel guilty about is like you’re gonna feel guilty no matter what because you’re not perfect, and so you just need to learn to be content, which is what we’re gonna talk about. Have you been wondering how you can make AI and Chat GPT a tool you use and not something that overwhelms or irritates you? I know I did not want any part in the AI when I heard about it a few years ago, but now Chat GPT has become my

Personal assistant. I have put together 40 of my favorite prompts specifically for moms to help you manage your schedule, break down your goals, create meal plans, and more. You can go to a purposedrivenmom.com slash AI prompts and grab these absolutely for free and start using the ChatGP2 tools for good and helping your day feel lighter and better. That’s a purposedrivenmom.com/slash AI prompts.

The other thing I feel like weighs heavy for me, maybe for you too, the mom guilt over screen time. And as we’re going into summer, I know that it’s heavier because I don’t want my kids on screens all the time, but I do have to work. I do have to get the laundry done. I do have other things that I’m trying to get done. and sometimes I just need a break. Like I was telling one of my friends there was some movie we were talking about, and I was like, I never it was in Kanto. And I was like, I never even watched the whole thing. I’ve seen clips of it, but I’ve never sat and watched the whole thing.

She’s like, you serious? I’m like, yeah, because I let my kids watch TV most of the time so I can go do something else. Like I have other stuff to do. And do I feel guilty? Yes. But it’s unfair to myself to feel guilty all the time about something like that. I need to feel confident in the decisions I make. And if I don’t like the amount of screen time my kids are getting, then it’s up to me to make a a change. But I don’t need to beat myself up because my kids have more screen time this weekend because I’m sick or I’m tired or I just need a break myself.

I think another place I live in the Mom Guild, so I’m just being, you know, vocal and honest with you. And I want you to start thinking about yours is just not having enough of like myself to give to them. The energy, patience, the like wanting to my son is a board game kid, so he’s like wants to play. Mommy play, mommy play, mommy play all the time. And I’ll sit and play with the game with him, and then he’ll be like, nobody plays with me. And I’m like, what are you talking about? Right? I’m tired.

Cara Harvey (10:04.842)

And I feel guilty sometimes because I am. I feel guilty that I want to zone out on my phone, or I don’t feel like playing another game of Uno or Monopoly, or I just if I snap at them because I’m I’m not as patient as I could be. And those are all real things. So I think what’s important is first identifying your triggers specifically for Mom Guild. Just like paying attention this week of what is making you feel guilty, what is making you feel like you’re not doing enough, what is giving you those resentful feelings and that.

pressure that you’re putting on yourself, pay attention and then start to reframe the thought. Make it a place where you’re looking at your mom guilt as not failure, but awareness. Because guilt itself, the feeling of guilt, it’s not always a bad thing. And I know you’re like, wait, wait, you just told me not to feel guilty. All of your feelings and emotions are valid and none of them are bad. They just

Are triggers and they identify things for you. So you could say, I’m feeling guilty about this. I always say be a detective, right? Instead of I shouldn’t feel guilty. That’s a should. That’s again an unre expectation because it’s impossible to not feel something. It’s impossible to not feel guilty at some point. So if you tell yourself, I’m gonna stop feeling guilty about this, the second you do feel guilty, you’re gonna feel like you’re failing. Let it be a signal. It is a signal for what matters to you. I’ve mentioned this screen time. If you’re feeling guilt around the amount

Of screen time your kids are having. That’s just like a boo boo, right? Like this is a little radar for you to say why.

Why am I feeling this way? And is there something I’d like to change? I want you to use your guilt as information, not an identity. I’m a bad mom because, right? Instead of I’m failing in these areas, I feel guilty, my kids aren’t getting enough vegetables or enough protein, right? All you’re gonna do is reframe that thought into this is important to me. It’s important to me that my kids move more outside. It’s important to me that my kids eat a little bit healthier. It’s important, all these things are important to me, right? So I want you.

Cara Harvey (12:07.504)

To think about that. I want you to think about how when you do feel guilty and you can journal through, it’s really just a little bit of an alarm binging to say, huh, I have a feeling here about something else. What is this signal? And get present with yourself. And once you do, it’s important to then kind of let go and release some of those unrealistic expectations. Take the signal, right? Take it as what it is and be like, all right, cool, I identify this. Now I can make a plan around it or whatever.

But also recognize when some of that signal is not realistic. I want you to identify the standards and the pressure you’re putting on yourself that are absolutely impossible to meet, right? It is impossible to do it all. Okay. And when you’ve figured out the ones that you’re like

This is not something for me right now. I can’t do this. I see all these people sending their kids. This is a guilt I’ve been feeling this year. Normally our kids go to five weeks of camp. we’re doing three this year. we just financially cannot afford it, and it was just decisions that we made. I feel guilty about that because I I’m like, my god, my kids are gonna be so bored at home. Like, what are we gonna do? Because we’re so used to going. But I’m reminding myself that the signal there is, you know, I’m feeling like I always need to be entertaining them. And I think it’s actually really good for them to have

More time home, I just have to remind myself about my patience. But it’s making me feel guilty because I’m like, if I had made more money this year, you know, all those things.

But right now, sending them to camp full time this summer is an unrealistic expectation financially. So ask mys I the question is to ask yourself and me, right? Like, where is this expectation coming from? Why do I feel like my kids should never be on tech? Why do I feel like, you know, they should never ever have a red dye and then they get a snow cone and you’re like, I’m the worst parent, right? And is it necessary? And could it be necessary at a different level? Like, yes, I do not believe it’s healthy for kids to be staring at screens all day.

Cara Harvey (14:06.096)

But I’m okay with them having a little bit of screen time, okay?

Is it necessary to say no screens ever? I don’t think so. But ask yourself, what is it for you and your values? Give yourself permission to redefine what good enough actually is. I want to give you some practical strategies, but before I do, I just want to remind you that focusing on what matters can help eliminate your guilt more than half, you know, any of these very practical things. Because you know me, we’re gonna mindset, we’re gonna practical before you know in each episode. Connection with your kids is what they want.

They’re craving. They want you. They want to be with you, whether it’s 15 minutes before bed or an outing. Okay. Connection over perfection anytime. And the emotional availability. This is what I was telling myself about the camp thing. Is often greater for them than constant output. Constant me having to put a hundred things on their plates to keep them busy. Like

I’m excited for the opportunity. Let my kids be bored this summer. I’m excited for it. Because they’re very creative kids. And I cannot wait to see like what they do. Now here’s the thing. With their creativity is gonna come a mess. So I need to like mentally prepare myself for that, but it’s gonna be okay. How do you do this practically though? What are some things I want you to take some of these tips and think, all right, how can I take this into my day? Setting clear priorities, you know, we talk a lot about those. They change in the season, but accepting the trade-offs, it’s the summer and things.

Gonna look a little bit different. So maybe you don’t typically let your kids have screens during the school week, and you’re like, you know what, we’re gonna let them have a little bit of screens because they’re home every day, things like that. Choosing what matters the most will help you eliminate some of the guilt and the pressure you’re living with. Another thing that helps with mom guilt is making boundaries, not just for yourself, but for your time, for your energy, for your commitment. If you say no without over explaining, like

Cara Harvey (16:04.912)

Like, no, we can’t do this, or we’re not doing this. It is creating a nice boundary and then feeling firm in that. This comes with confidence. When I say no to something, I craft out a boundary. I often can feel guilty for saying that no. It allows me to start to grow in my confidence and feel less guilty long term because I’m proving to myself I can make a decision and stay with it. We talked about presence, and I just want to encourage this more: quality time over quantity.

I know that you’re trying to get a lot done. I know that there’s a lot that has to be on your plate this summer with the kids home, but it doesn’t mean you have to spend 24-7 with them. It doesn’t mean you have to constantly be entertaining. I could sit, put my phone away, have a real quality half hour with my kid playing some games, and then I gotta go back to work. And that’s okay. Small moments matter and should hopefully help with some of the guilt of like, I’m working all day, so I don’t have anything for them. I want you to challenge the negative thoughts.

that that jump in your brain. The ones that say, I either do it this way or I’m failing. Or I see this person doing this and I’m not, so I’m failing. Replace that with your own realistic

perspective, what you’ve given yourself. I’m doing enough and that’s okay. When you do this, it also models healthy behavior for your kids, right? It shows them that like you don’t have to be doing things all the time. You’re allowed to take a break. It’s okay not to be perfect. This is such a key lesson to teach your kids. It’s okay not to be perfect. You are teaching resilience and you’re not specifically perfection. I also want to encourage you to use your own self compassion.

Treat yourself the same way you would treat somebody else. If you were a parent, how would you treat your kid? It’s probably not the way you’re treating yourself. You probably wouldn’t make your kid feel guilty about everything. So why are you doing it to you? Mistakes, limitations are all part of being human. You cannot do everything, and you don’t need to. Being a good mom

Cara Harvey (18:07.434)

It is not about perfection. It is about consistency. It’s about care. It’s about presence. I want you to let go of the guilt this summer of whatever you think you’re holding on to. And I want to encourage you to enjoy. Show notes or at a purposedrivenmom.com slash podcast 518. Let go of the guilt today, moms, and I’ll see you next week.

Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Purpose Driven Mom Show. If this episode served you in any way, we would really appreciate it if you headed over to wherever you listen to podcasts, hit that five star, and leave a review and a rating. That’s how more moms can find us and we can grow our community. If you had a tip or an aha, make sure you come over and tag me at a purpose-driven mom on Instagram and share it with your friends. The best way for us to get this message out there of less hustle and less shame and more intentionality is for you to share it with people you know need to hear it.

Thanks for listening, we appreciate you, and I can’t wait to connect with you more outside of the podcast.