Cara (00:00)

Welcome to A Purpose Driven Mom Show, episode 525. Today we’re gonna talk about that back to school anxiety and why back to school feels so overwhelming for us moms. We talked about this in 524 in last week’s episode. So go back and check that out if you haven’t. But we know that back to school isn’t just a transition for our kids, it’s also one for ourselves. I think if you’re feeling anxious, if you’re feeling nervous, it’s totally typical and normal.

Because of all of the changes and that we’re gonna talk about today, right? And the night before school starts, you know, it’s like, are you nervous? Are you nervous? Everyone’s talking to their kids about their nerves. But aren’t we laying awake in bed too? we had a tough year, I’m gonna tell you. So fourth grade was hard for my daughter, and I feel very anxious about fifth grade. we had a lot of struggles with teachers.

behaviors, it was just hard. It was hard friends. And I was very happy when we got to summer because my daughter just she hated school. She was like, I don’t like school. Like she asked to be homeschooled. I think she was struggling with her teachers. I feel really anxious about fifth grade. And I’m trying to hold it together because it’s what we do. I think that a lot of us also feel the anxiety for our kids whether they struggle in school or not.

And sometimes it’s not them that are actually the most anxious. It’s us. We carry this invisible mental load of making sure that the school year is great for our kids. And it’s a lot of pressure. Back to school can feel so heavy, depending on your kids’ ages and what we’re doing, right? There’s new schedules. And just the schedule transition from, hey, it was summer, we really weren’t doing alarms or bedtimes.

at least not at my house we were very free flowing you know we started our transition back but it was real to let’s get up and then we’re at school all day and this is the only week they’re doing from nine to four but what’s interesting is yesterday my son has basketball. He’s in like a free basketball league in the in July and it was at six. So they didn’t get home from camp till 4 30 and then we had to rush and get over to and I was like I don’t like this.

Like that hustle and bustle. Like we haven’t done this all summer. We’ve been very loose. If we have an activity, it nothing has felt rushed. But now we’re back at school, right? and there’s so many things we’re managing. So we’re managing the new schedules logistically. my daughter’s got a new cheer schedule, soccer schedules, things like that.

all the forms. my goodness. All the forms and the things you gotta fill out. Now we’ve got to make lunches again, get everybody everywhere. What time’s the bus? When’s the new bus schedule? Adding homework onto our plate with my kids being in third and fifth. I know we’re gonna get a lot more homework. trying to get to know some new teachers. you know I have a my fingers are crossed for my son that he’ll get the same teacher my daughter had because we really loved her for third grade. but getting to know new teachers, I don’t know any of the fifth grade teachers.

My work schedule is changing again. I’m trying to get the routines. Like, it’s not that back to school is one thing. It’s 50 things. It’s the mental load of all of it. And our brains think of this as like this flood of everything is changing, that it’s bad. Everything’s changing. I don’t feel safe. It’s bad. But oftentimes it can be positive. Our nervous system itself.

does not distinguish between exciting change or stressful change. So we have to help nudge it along to calm ourselves down. There’s a few things that I feel like cause me anxiety. You tell me hand up if you’re like, I’m in the same boat. So we’re just gonna, we’re just gonna talk today about what’s making us nervous. I just gotta get it out, right? Fear number one, right? Like that fear of forgetting something. What if I forgot this form? when is picture day? What if I forget the wrong time at pickup?

you know, they changed our pickup time last year and I kept forgetting and I was off by five minutes. you know, I think this is a big one when there’s a lot of change. It’s I’m gonna forget something because now I have so many things to remember. One of the things that’s gonna help ease your nervous system with these changes is making sure you have systems. When it comes to papers, my kids empty their folder and they put them in one space every single day. That way I know where all the papers go.

We’re not forgetting things. We’re not losing things. people keep telling me as my kids get older, like, wait till middle school. Like, you don’t ever get a communication. You never see the papers, right? create systems for yourself to ease some of that anxiety. I’m not gonna miss the papers because the kids put the papers here, right? I’m not gonna forget to send my kid with the thing he needs for, show and tell because I’ve got my calendar system. Ask yourself, what systems can I create to help ease that anxiety of

I’m gonna forget something. If you don’t have a command center setup, if you don’t have an afterschool routine, now is a great time to start something to help you. You wanna help your memory out as much as possible because you already have 8,000 things whirling through your brain. So ask yourself, what system can I make to help ease that fear of missing and forgetting something?

All right, fear number two. This is our fear of just not doing enough. man, all the back to school, right? I don’t pack the Pinterest worthy lunches. We didn’t get the new Bent to a box. I fear like it’s not enough. I didn’t volunteer

at the school, I’m not the room parent, right? I don’t help my kids with their homework enough. I need to spend more time. That fear of like my house is a mess because we’re trying to transition. Or that fear of I’m not doing enough because I’m in a transition season and I haven’t figured my system out. Right. Hey we have a we’re doing soccer so for the first time. So this is a new sport which needs a new system of where we put the cleats and how all that goes. That’s okay, right? We often live in this fear of like I’m not present enough and now I’ve got to work and I’m trying to do everything at once.

And we feel like we’re trying to earn this badge of like I’m the best mom. But here’s the thing: you’re going to make mistakes. You’re not going to do quote unquote enough if your standards are so high. And all that’s going to do is give you anxiety. So pick one or two things that really matter to you. Allow those to be the things that you’re like, I want to focus in. If Pinterest-worthy lunches are your thing, enjoy it being your thing. If volunteering is your thing,

Do it unabashedly, right? do the thing that you want to spend time doing so you’re not stretched so thin because you’re not gonna win any awards of being the best mom if you’re stressed out all the time and anxious about not living up to an unrealistic perfectionist expectation. The third fear that I’m also feeling is this fear of a new season. And sometimes anxiety itself.

It’s not about the logistics. A lot of times surface level, it looks like, I’m trying to manage a new calendar. It’s grief. Your little guy just started kindergarten. My daughter’s gonna be in middle school soon. The house is quieter. My my oldest is is an adult, like a full-on almost 20-year-old adult. I feel see, it just gets me when I think about it. When I think about him being grown up, like I feel like the tears starting because

Time goes so fast. my goodness. And I was thinking about it the other day. I was outlet shopping with my sister and I was like thinking about shopping with my daughter and how she’s getting older and like what is she gonna be like in high school and in kindergarten in middle school and all that and how fast it’s going. Yeah, it’s anxiety because you’re grieving, You’re mourning what you’re leaving behind.

But it’s okay to embrace what’s coming in order to help your anxiety. Allow yourself to have a minute of grief with the season you’re leaving, even if it’s summer, right? We’re leaving the freedom we had and the time together. And get excited about what’s next, I want to help you figure out some ways you can calm that nervous system down when it’s feeling like change, danger, danger, danger, First up is it’s gonna be imperfect. I know you hate to hear it. Me too.

Right? Something’s gonna go wrong. You’re gonna forget something. Kids gonna forget their water bottle at home. Should I go give it to them? They don’t have their water. That’s that’s what I sound like. My husband’s like, they’re fine without water. I’m like, put the water, right? We’re gonna survive. The first few weeks of school will always be messy, and it’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom.

It doesn’t mean you didn’t prepare enough. It doesn’t mean your system suck. It doesn’t mean you have to start over. It doesn’t mean you have to feel anxious about it. You could just allow it to be what it is. okay. Well, we realize we got to get up earlier if we can do that. one of the transitions we’re having this year, speaking of feeling anxious, is my daughter’s cheer practice. So she’s on a team with some older girls. they’re ninth graders and younger. like I mentioned, she’s in fifth grade, which is great. I’m super proud of her for making the team. practice.

One of the days is seven to nine thirty at night. Nine thirty. That’s so late. It’s so late. it’s a transition. And we have to get ready for that transition. and it’s making me a little anxious. What if she’s gonna be tired? What if how late is she gonna go to bed? should shower in the morning or at night? All these things. And I’m going into the back to school season with this, just letting it be messy as we craft a system that works. If you go in expecting that it’s not.

Perfect, you’re not gonna let yourself down and then feel like you’re failing. Now, yes, have some standards, but don’t make them perfect ones. The other strategy I’m gonna give you to help calm your nervous system and your anxiety is surprise, surprise systems. Make fewer decisions. Batch out your lunches. If you know your kids are gonna eat this fruit for the week, cut all the fruit up one day, right? Lay out the clothes. I’ve shared this strategy many times over the past few years since my daughter’s in kindergarten. Pick the clothes once a week. Once a week,

Hang up all the outfits. There you go. The decision was done once, not every morning. Okay? Simplify your breakfast. Your kids get one choice, two choices. That is it. That is all there is for breakfast. you know, I laugh when I see the breakfast on TV. They have this huge spread, and then everyone eats two bites and then runs off to the bus, right? That’s not reality, so stop making it feel like it has to, unless that’s what you’d like, right?

Choose some theme dinners for yourself this first week. Use your slow cooker as much as possible to make one less decision. Less decision fatigue is less anxiety. The other strategy I’m gonna give you to calm your nervous system during this anxiety-filled back to school season is to give yourself some more white space. It’s exciting. You wanna plan stuff, you wanna schedule things, you’re like, we’re back at it. Don’t do it. Leave room for life. You’re gonna forget the shoes in the morning, right? The bus is gonna run late.

Especially those first couple weeks, you have to leave space for it. Don’t make things so tight. Like this is one of the things we do sometimes when we’ll book privates for my daughter at cheer. I try not to make anything before five because I want to give her space to come home. Now there are times with her coach where we sometimes have to do 4:30. That feels not good. It does not feel good in her nervous system to be rushed or mine. And we only do it when we have to. Try to minimize those times. your kids are gonna be really emotional. We’re talking about your anxiety day, mom, but the

Changes, the exhaustion. Let those first few weeks have more white space. Have you don’t need to schedule a ton of play dates. Let them decompress in front of the TV more or read books together or play games or just exist. Give them space. My daughter, the queen she is, said to me last year on our walk home, you know, I talk a lot. I’m don’t think this shocks anyone here. so I’m a talker and I said to her, Are you like, how was your day, but I’m excited to see her. And she says, Mom.

I want to talk to you, but I’ve just been at school all day. Can we just wait till we get home to do this? And at first I was like, ooh, girl, with that attitude. And then I was like, I’m so proud of you for being so self-aware and communicating it well, right? Like she knows that she needs space. So schedule that for your kids. You don’t need to schedule every minute. You’re gonna have errands that you’ve things you forgot to get that you gotta run to the store to get. Kids are gonna get used to, you know, forgetting assignments. Give yourself some margin to be a stress reliever.

And calm that anxiety down. Don’t schedule it all.

Also, want to encourage you to anchor yourself in what you can control. We talk about this locus of control. These are the things in your web that you can control, the things that you have space over, right? I want you to think about today and your locus of control. Not what I need to do for Halloween, not planning out Thanksgiving break. What can I control today? Small actions will calm your anxious mind better than.

school started, so I need to start thinking about this and this and this and this. And like, listen, I love to do things in advance. I want to buy the Halloween costumes now so we can try them on and return them four times and things like that. But you don’t need to plan out the rest of the school year just because it started. I want you to ask yourself some different questions this school year to calm your anxiety. Instead of did it all go perfectly, do I feel good? Did we laugh today? Do we feel loved as a family?

Did we make some memories? Is there connection? Don’t forget, summer, you have all these touch points with your family. Even if they go to camp like typical at school and you’re working like typical, you have more free time at nights, less activities. There’s just a few more touch points. For me, my family, we had tons more touch points because they barely did camp. I want to make sure we get into back to school, we’re connecting in a similar way because it’s important. All right. So

Whether you started school or not, I want you to write couple things down that you can control, right? I can make lunches the night before. I can go to bed earlier and get off my phone. I can check out the calendar. And then I want you to think of three things you’re gonna let anxiety go for. You’re like, I’m not taking this anxiety into this school year about my house being spotless. you know, and I think I worry about like my kids’ friend groups and things like that. Like, I can’t control who my kids choose to be friends with.

At school. I can’t, and neither can you, and we don’t like to hear it, but it’s the truth. So maybe I can let go of that pressure and allow them to make their own choices. I’m gonna let go of comparing myself to that mom that looks so put together at pickup because I don’t feel the same. All right. Remind yourself that a phrase I use here is things can be stressful, but I do not have to be stressed. The back to school season’s going to be stressful. You don’t have to be stressed about it. And if you’re feeling anxious right now or stressed,

Or you’re like, I’m doing all these things wrong, you’re not feeling. You care. That’s what this is. It is an emotion allowing you to acknowledge that. It’s not let’s get rid of every worry. It’s building confidence that things can be looser. They don’t have to go according to plan, and I can handle it. Because you’ve done it before. You’ve done it and you’re capable. You’re gonna get through the back to school season. So will your kids. It might not look the way you want it to, and that’s okay. Show notes are to purposedrivermom.com slash podcast five twenty-five.

I hope you took a deep breath today and are ready to conquer what you can control for the rest of the day.