Cara Harvey (00:00.11)

Welcome to the Purpose Driven Mom Show, episode 529. Today we’re gonna talk about why midlife isn’t exactly the middle. I am 42 years old, so I’m coming from this in a sister to sister let’s talk about it mode today. All right. So we’ll put show notes over at purposedriven mom.com slash podcast five twenty-nine. But I wanna ask you a question. What if we, society, all of it, has gotten midlife wrong? And what if it isn’t the middle, right?

Traditionally, this is what we think of. Remember when you were a kid and you were like, my gosh, my parents feel so old, and then you became your parents’ age, and you’re like  wait. And I say this because the other day my husband and we were up at the mall with our kids and we’re shopping and like in a store. And because we used to teach in the city where we don’t live anymore, we rarely bump into ex students. My husband does more than I do because he works in the city. So I haven’t been recognized in the wild, you know, in a while. And also I’ve been out of the classroom over a decade. And a young man, he was like, It is myth.

20s. It was like a whole grown adult came up to us and she was like, Hey, I don’t know if you remember me, but like you were the principal to my husband. And like you weren’t my teacher, but you taught my brother. And I was like, my God, I’m old people. I was like, I it just like really hit me that I’ve hit this age where I’m not in my 20s and I’m not in my 30s. And I laugh about it because sometimes I’m I look around and I’m like, I’m I’m the one. Like I’m the adult in charge of everybody right now. Like, how did this happen? Right. Because a lot of times we think.

All right, this is what life is because this is what TV shows. This is what our brains think. My kids obviously think I’m the old lady. You know what I’m saying? You grow up, you got your career, you get married, you get kids, you raise them. All of a sudden you’re in your 40s and your 50s, and then we’re past our prime. It’s just the way that society has made us think about midlife. And something switched in me when I turned 40. Like my gears completely switched about how I think about myself. And that’s what I want to share with you today. Right. Like I am realizing it 42.

That it’s not that I’m like quote, old lady, right? It’s I’m old enough to know myself. I’m old enough to know what I like and what I don’t like. I’m old enough to go after things because I’m more comfortable in my own skin, right? Like I’ve spent 10 years almost building this business, right? I’ve also taught, like I’ve had careers, I’ve taken care of everybody. I’ve been figuring it out. I’ve changed so much along the way. Like I sometimes forget to stop and

Cara Harvey (02:25.89)

think about that. The person I was in my 20s is not who I am now. A few years ago, I started working with a new therapist, shout out Gina, right? We love Gina. She’s our number one here. And she posed a question to me. It was right before my 40th birthday. And I realized I didn’t know. And I feel like something happened to me in my 40s where I realized I’m starting to learn what I want. And it is okay to bless and release what I used to think that I want for what I want now. I think about this a lot with my business. I used to want

To travel, to speak on stages. I wanted to be Mel Robbins. Like that was like who I wanted to be. And now I have no interest in that. I don’t mind speaking. It’s great. Cool. I love to do it, but I don’t want to travel. I want to have my own schedule. I don’t need the fancy accolades to make me feel like I make a difference. Whereas in my 30s, I did. I needed someone to tell me I was doing a good job to know that I made a difference. And the way I look at my business now is just incredibly different because it’s not the same things that I want. And

I’ve been in my like aha midlife awakening. And I’ve realized that midlife doesn’t have to be the middle. It can just be an identity shift that can help me figure out what comes next. I think what’s challenging, honestly, is that like nobody prepares us for our 40s. And it it’s interesting for me, I’m like the oldest in my friend groups. Like most of my friends are still in their 30s.

Except for the friends that I’ve had since college and in high school and stuff, obviously. But most of my friends that are, you know, kids my kids’ age, like they’re in their 30s. I’m like one of the few that are in their 40s. And I think it gives me this interesting perspective because I’m finally around people who are talking about things like perimenopause and this next step. But like a lot of my friends aren’t in the phase where they’re thinking about this next step, right? And I feel like our 20s and our 30s are more about becoming, right? Like figure. I I’m on my

twenties. I think about that too. Like I was talking to someone the other day about someone I know in their twenties and I was like, yeah, I mean she’s just like a kid. And I think about my twenties and I’m like, I was just a kid. Like I I mean I’m an adult and I have a 19 year old. And that’s the other thing is I look at him like he’ll be 20 in November and I’m like, you’re a baby. Right. Like you’re just a child. And then I think about myself at that age and the amount of adult that I felt like I was, you know, and I laugh. But it is twenties and our thirties are about this. You become this person.

Cara Harvey (04:48.95)

You know, for me, like I got married in my early 30s, I became a mom, right? I changed careers. I bought a house, right? It’s like I’m this person that a lot of people depend on, depending on like your life. And then somewhere in midlife, right, you hit your 40s and you’re like, ugh, I’m the one who has to decide dinner for the rest of my life, right? Like, I don’t wanna spend the next 40 plus years of my life only being needed, right?

And it’s not selfish. It’s expanding my identity, right? Like I’m not abandoning my kids. I’m not abandoning my life. I’m not throwing that all out. I found that in my 40s, I’m just asking myself a different question. And the question becomes like, well, who else am I if I’m not mom? And when I left teaching, I had my identity wrapped into that. And when I left that career, I really struggled like with who I was. And now, not that I’m pivoting, I still have my business.

But I’m changing some things. I’m looking at things differently about what the next 10 years of my business is gonna look like. And I’ve had some struggles with that because I kept thinking, like, well, where do I go from here? Right. But one of the most exciting parts of all of this rediscovery for myself is that I’m excited to bring it to you because I know that many of you who’ve been listening to this podcast have been listening for a long time. If you’re new here,

Thank you so much for hanging out. Go back. We got 500 and something episodes for you to listen to, right? But I know that you’ve also changed. You’ve changed. Your needs have changed. My kids aren’t in diapers anymore, right? So the life I have now where my kids are up later, where we’re in this different phase of life and parenting is not the life I had when I started my business. And this has been a little bit of a contention point for me in the past couple of years because I’ve realized I’ve been still like.

Speaking to you, my people, like I was speaking to myself almost a decade ago. And I’m not the same, and you’re not the same. And it’s actually been fun to realize that I’m permitted to pivot and change and change the way that I help you as well. So I want you to think, no matter how I know that not everybody who listens is in their 40s and above. I know that you’re, you know, not all in midlife and things like that. But I just want you to think as you grow and as you change and as you age, like.

Cara Harvey (07:15.424)

You’re not expiring, right? There’s so much for you. And that’s what we’re gonna really, you know, dig into and talk about. And that’s kind of a shift I’m starting to make in my business. So pay attention. Cause that’s where we’re going. Our theme for our 10th summit this year is actually your next chapter. And it’s gonna talk about this specific thing and more. Because here’s the deal: midlife gives you something that you didn’t have before. It’s perspective, right? And this is important. It is not I’m starting everything over.

You know, I talk to a lot of moms who are like in their emptiness, who are moving into this thing and they’re like, where do I go? It’s not about starting over. I have experience. At 42, I know things that I did not know at 22. I know the company that I want to keep to feel energized. I know the types of activities that are gonna drain me. And it’s so interesting. So I really don’t drink alcohol anymore. And I think about this a lot of like how exhausted I felt when I was drinking.

I might have a glass every once in a while, but I’m pretty much like sober in that sense. I’m a little California sober, if you will. But that makes me feel better than alcohol does, right? Because I’ve learned this. Sometimes we’ll see some of my friends or other people in the Facebook and stuff that are on the Facebook dating myself for sure. You know, that they’re drinking and doing all these things and it seems so fun. And that used to bother me because it would make me compare myself, like, I’m so boring. I don’t do anything.

Whereas now at 42, I’m like, nope, I know that that’s not gonna make me feel good. I don’t want to feel that way. And I think that’s important. Like at 42, like I know what relationships are worth investing in. I know what people I want to keep a distance from. I know what I’m good at and what I’m not good at. I’m very I say to my husband all the time, I have lots of great qualities, right? And I know what I’m not great at. And I have redefined what success means for me. Right. And what this means is also that when you can

Learn when you can have some wisdom, you realize that your next chapter, it’s it’s intentional, right? You’re not rebuilding life from scratch. You know, we talk about this midlife crisis. It doesn’t have to be starting over. It’s taking the wisdom that I know and asking myself, what do I want? And a lot of times when we get to this point in life, again, our kids are starting to graduate, or you know, you’re taking them to college or you’re by yourself and you’re like, My kids are at school full time now. Like I have all this time.

Cara Harvey (09:40.044)

And a lot of us women like internalize this based on societal stuff, right? It’s always the I’m too old story, right? I could never start a business, right? I can’t change careers at this point in my life. And maybe you thought that one. well, I’m too old to get in shape. This is just what I’m dealing with, right? it’s I’m too old to make new friends. I hear this one a lot. Like it is really hard to maintain and foster adult relationships. But I hear a lot from people like it’s fine. I’m stuck in my ways. I don’t want to pick up a new hobby. Like I’m too old, right? Like I can’t figure this out.

Too old compared to what? Friend, 42 isn’t old. I say to myself, 52 isn’t old, 62 isn’t old, right? Like age itself does not eliminate possibility. And yes, I have started to find this new love of rollerblading. Like when I take my kids to the roller ring, like I really get excited to go rollerblade. Does my body feel sore the next day? Yes, I cannot recover the same way I did in my 20s.

But it doesn’t take away the fact that I can still have joy and fun, right? Sometimes what is actually changing as we get older is that we stop believing that we’re allowed to want something different. Sometimes we’re like, well, this is just the life that I have. This is just the same thing I’ve done every single day. And this is the way things go. And it doesn’t have to be that way. But the thing is, when I say something like your next chapter, right, people are like, but I don’t want this huge rebirth. I’m not trying to, again, like buy the sports car and do the thing we see dudes doing with their midlife crisis, right?

It doesn’t have to be this dramatic reinvention. Okay. It doesn’t mean you have to quit your job or divorce your husband or move across the country or start like it doesn’t have to. But what it can mean is that you start to take better care of yourself because you realize you matter. It can mean, hey, I’ve always wanted to run a 5K and I’ve always told myself I’m not a person who can do that. If you’ve ever had that phrase where you’re like, I’m not a person who, I’m not someone who, do it. Do it anyway. Because who’s to say you’re not that person, right? You want to try something new.

Creatively, you want to learn how to paint or salsa dance or pick up a new book. You want to make a new friend. You want to start a new business. You can do these things, right? You can travel. You can have this life. I’ve been married 12 years, right? Maybe it’s a great time to strengthen your marriage or build friendships or foster new ones. Maybe you’re like, I want to go back to school. I love this. I have so many moms in my community who are going back to school and it just lights this spark in their 40s and 50s of like, why not me? Maybe it’s just asking, what do I want, right?

Cara Harvey (12:09.272)

The next chapter itself, it’s built on small choices. It’s not about hours and hours of reinvention and tearing down your whole life. It’s about asking yourself a question. Like, what do I want to do? My pastor at church, maybe a year ago, he handed us out these little pieces of paper, these strips, and they went zero to a hundred. And he said, All right, I want you to tear off from the bottom, like however old you are, right? So I would like to tear off from zero to 40.

Evan, he said the average woman lives to, I don’t remember what it was, 80. And he said, This is what we have left. So you need to ask yourself, what do you want to do with that? Do you want to stay stuck in this place? Or are there things that you feel called to do? And I think about this a lot, especially like I said, my business is almost 10 years old. And I’ve been thinking a lot of like, am I gonna do this for another 10 years? What is it gonna look like? And I’ve started to pivot into this like, how do I help that mom in her midlife figure out how to find time?

For those next steps, right? How to enter this who am I now sees. And I’m excited about it. I feel, I feel excited to bring it to you. I don’t know what it’s gonna look like. And that’s okay. You might not know your next step, and that’s okay. I also want to tell you though, it’s not comfortable. Sometimes this midlife, besides the like, you know, physical, like it’s uncomfortable. Yes, my body is changing. I have lost a lot of strength. I can’t work out like I used to. I make all the noises when I get up and things pop.

Right. My kids are changing. my goodness. I was talking to a friend the day and I was like, we’re just in this interesting, tweeny parenting phase, and that’s okay. My priorities are also changing. I would rather spend more time with a good book than sitting here wrapped up in work all the time. And that’s okay. Maybe your career changes. And again, if you have your own business, I just want to give you permission to pivot. I’ve been pretty much

With fidelity, this core message here at Purpose River Mom. And it’s not changing completely, right? But I’ve been pretty much doing, quote, the same thing for the past almost nine years. And I’m gonna pivot a little. And it’s okay. It’s okay, right? Your friendships, your relationships might be changing. You might realize, like, I loved this person, but like we don’t have a lot in common. I was telling my daughter this the other day. She’s almost 11, she’s 10. Her birthday’s in December. And we’re talking about friendships.

Cara Harvey (14:21.602)

And I was telling her that I read this article or podcast, whatever it was. And it said that from zero to 10, friendships are based on proximity for kids. My mom is friends with your mom. We’re on soccer together, et cetera. When you become 10, what happens is you start to have your own interests that really become part of your identity. And your friends that you’ve had before might not have the same interests. Sometimes you’re like, I do like school or I like reading or I’m into boys or I got a cell phone or like the interests just change. I like art. I like this.

And you find yourself drifting away from friends that maybe you had, and kids, because their brains aren’t fully developed, like they don’t fully understand how to do this. They feel a lot of guilt. They don’t know how to like quote let go of friendships. And I also want to couple that with a thought that I saw this other thing that said, Your friendships change every seven years, about because your life changes, right? From like high school to college, college to the next party, career, career to kids. Like your life just changes. So your friend groups tend to change. You keep your core, but like things like that. This is okay.

And it’s hard sometimes to deal with realizing like relationships change, friendships change. It doesn’t have to always be that something happened. It could literally just be like it’s just different, right? And then you realize this thing, right? That the version of me, the version of Kara who got me to this place in my life, may not necessarily be the version of me that needs to take me forward. And it’s not failure, it’s growth, right? It is permission to pivot. Okay.

You don’t have to simply keep doing something because you’ve always done it. The drinking thing is like for real for me. I used to drink a ton and it was social and I did it all the time. And then I just woke up one day and was like, I don’t like how I feel. And does that change my social gatherings? Yeah. Does it make me sometimes like I don’t want to go out and do certain things because I don’t want to be around drunk people? Like they’re not fun for me. Yeah. But that’s okay. And you have to be comfortable in your own skin.

Again, my daughter and I, we just joined this membership for tweens and their moms. And we watched this video on belonging and talking about how you have people you’re with, and then you have people you feel like you belong with. When things change, the belonging feeling might change, and that’s also okay. So here’s what I’m gonna leave you with today in my midlife musings. I want you to ask yourself these five questions. And I want you to really take a walk and think through them. You’re not gonna find every answer today, and that’s okay, right? What am I done with?

Cara Harvey (16:44.088)

Like what no longer fits? Is it a role? Is it a job? Is it a person? Is it a self-sabotaging behavior? Is it a negative thought? Like, what am I done with? Like this isn’t serving me at all. Okay. Number two, what do I want more of? Not what you should want, right? We always say don’t stop shooting on yourselves. But like, what do you actually want in your life? Like, where do you want to go? Do you want to travel? Do you want to downsize? Do you want to spend more time in nature? Like, what do you actually want to do?

Who do I want to become? Not what do I want to accomplish? In 10 years, when I look back, like, what kind of person do I want to be? Right? And how can I set myself up for that? Question four, what have I been putting off? We all have it, right? Is there a dream that’s like in the back of your head? Right. And it’s like, come on, come on, come on, right? Like, what is that dream that’s been sitting in the corner, no matter how big or how small, that you’ve been putting off because you feel too old, you can’t change, right?

They say you can’t teach a dog new tricks. Untrue. Untrue. Right. And number five, what is a tiny step that you’ll take this month? Not Sunday. Not when the kids are older, not when the house is quiet, not when life calms down. Now, what is one thing I’m gonna do to embrace my midlife and beyond? What do I want to do for me? I want you to think about these things today. Your next chapter, it isn’t something you find. It doesn’t just like pop up for you, right? And it can.

Your kids can graduate. They always, that’s why you always say, like, foster your marriage because your kids are gonna graduate and it’s just gonna be the two of them. And I always tell my kids, my my kids, my girl scouts, my girls, like ever people are. I’m like, the longest relationship you’re ever gonna have is the relationship you have with yourself. So you need to make sure you take care of it, right? Your next chapter isn’t just gonna pop up for you. You create it. You don’t have to have it all figured out. It took me years and I’m still working. I’m telling you, my therapist asked me this when I was 39 and I’m 42 and I’m still trying to figure out what I want, right?

You just feel willing to ask yourself some different questions. Instead of, well, how do I keep up with everything I’ve already done? What kind of life do I want to create? What do I want to say yes to? What do I want to say no to? Instead of how can I do more and be more productive? What is worth my energy? I literally text someone this morning because I was asked to like start coming to some meetings for this gifted program that we have. And my youngest has gifted IEP. It’s new for us this year. You know, they have parenting. And I text someone who I know.

Cara Harvey (19:09.226)

Kid also does. And I’m do you go to these meetings? And she was like, sometimes it’s just hard to feel. I’m like, I really feel like I should. They were really helpful with advocating for getting the evaluations. Like, I feel like I should. But I was like, just so much on my plate already. And why is people just ran it off? She said, you know, no is a complete sentence. I’m like, ooh, there it is. Is it worth my energy? And maybe it is. You know what I mean? And instead of like, how do I get back? This is one thing I wrestled with. I’m not gonna get my body back that I had in my 20s. And I said this to my husband, I’ve lost 25 pounds this year.

And I was like strutting around morning. And you know, he asked what my goal was. And I said, you know, I’d like to get here. This is like where I was before I had Isaiah. And I said, before I had Ari, this was the weight I was at. I don’t even care about that weight. Like it’s not about that. And I wrestled with that for such a long time because it was, well, my body in my 20s ran the tough mutter and a half marathon and was able to do all these things. My body in my 20s could like drink all weekend and not, you know, gain a couple pounds and lose it by Wednesday, right? Well, my

doesn’t do that. And so I think the question then becomes not how do I get back to the woman that I used to be. It’s like, who the heck am I now? And who do I want to become? Like, I don’t know. It’s deep. It’s deep. You got a therapist, therapy it through, think it through, journal it through, come to a purpose-driven mom and join the club of purposedriven mom.com slash coaching and get some help with it. I want to have more of these conversations. I want to talk about them more because maybe midlife isn’t the middle, right? And I know TV makes it seem like

Like we’re like old and crusty dusty, right? And I see a lot of this. I’m scrolling reels, like, I’m too young to dress like that, like all these things. Like, I got my nose pierced for my 40th birthday. Like maybe people are like, You’re too old to be having a nose ring. I don’t care. I really do not care what anybody thinks about what I’m doing. If I want to wear a crop top because I feel like it, if I want to read a certain book, if I want to feel confident in my own skin.

It has nothing to do with age. If I want to go roll get my little rollerblades and rollerblade outside, I don’t care what anybody thinks, even if I bust my butt, right? So maybe midlife isn’t the middle. Maybe it’s this moment to realize that we don’t have to live the rest of our lives on autopilot because you have dreams. And God willing, you still have time, right? You’re alive today. You have things that you want to learn, places to go. I’ve been learning languages. I’ve been doing these new things because I’ve realized I can.

Cara Harvey (21:34.422)

Is it harder? Yes, kids learn languages so much easier when they’re little, but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Just because something is harder doesn’t mean it’s impossible. You have versions of yourself you’ve never met. She’s not here yet, right? This isn’t the end of becoming. It’s just, it’s a different beginning, right? And like you get to choose what happens next. You do not have to leave listening to this episode. well, this is the lot in life I have. I mean, you can, but like, what fun is that?

Like what you know, like where is that? So I want you to take 10 minutes today. Go through those five questions, right? And think to yourself, what is one thing I can do? And please share it. Come to Instagram at a purpose-driven mom, share it. Even if I’m not posting, I swear I’m there. Like I’m not an influencer. It’s not my interest anymore, but I do want to share it fun content with you. So I’ll probably make a little reel about this. But just think about that next step, right? I want you to admit yourself like I’m ready for something different.

How small or big. Maybe you’re like, I just have never worn yellow and I want to wear yellow. Wear the dang yellow today, right? Curl your hair. Do the thing you want to do. Read the book you want to read. Or like, hey, I want to pivot my career and start a business. There’s no measurement of how big change has to be to be impactful, right? Midlife isn’t I’m halfway through and I’m running out of time. So I need to do all these things. It’s I have enough experience to decide what the rest of my life look like. Think about it today.

Go to a purposedrivenmom.com slash plus 529. Check out the show notes. Share this with a friend, please, that is also in their midlife who might need to hear this today. And sending you lots of love because this 40s has just been really fun for me. I hope you enjoy a little bit of our pivots. I hope you start to notice and hear them. And if there’s something you want me to cover, just hit me up. Have a good one, friends.