Cara Harvey  (00:00)

Welcome to the Purpose Driver Mom Show, episode 530. Ooh, that feels like a little bit of a milestone. show notes will be at apurposedrivermom.com/podcast 530. Gosh, that’s so many episodes. Wow. Thanks so much for listening and being a part of this. If this is your first time listening, I’m so happy you’re here. I’mCara  Nice to meet you. If you’ve been in OG, wow, that’s a lot of episodes. And you haven’t left a review, make sure you go do it, okay?

We were talking about planning today, surprise, surprise. But we’re gonna talk about planning, how it isn’t about control, it is about your intention. Planning is one of my favorite things. I love to plan. But planning isn’t about making life predictable and putting in a box. It is about deciding what matters before life decides for you. Cause guess what? It’s gonna, A plan, it isn’t this promise that

Everything’s gonna be perfect, that everything’s gonna go according to plan. It is a way of making sure that your priorities do not disappear when life gets busy. Because it will, right? I used to think about planning in a very structured way, and maybe you’ve heard the story, maybe you haven’t, right? I was a school teacher for almost a decade,

At that time when I was doing that, I had a very tight schedule. I was a special education teacher. I did push in support. I also did pull-out support. I ran the resource from, I ran self-contained classes, I ran our artistic support program, I was the ninth grade lead. Like my schedule wasn’t just hourly when I was in a building. My schedule was like every 20 minutes. What am I doing and where am I at, depending on the day. And so when I transitioned into working from home, when I transitioned into my own thing.

It was very hard for me to figure out and release the fact that I did think, well, if I planned it, then I could control it. And for me, as someone who has some high-functioning anxiety, planning has always been a way for me to control my anxiety. If I can make a plan, then I can feel more in control. And it’s easy to do that. It’s easy to be like, all right, if I plan, I can make the perfect schedule and it’s all gonna work out. And

I’ll know exactly what I’m gonna do and I’m never gonna have a day where I don’t cross it all off, right? Like planning is so easy to think. It’s like I’m on top of things and I’ve got these routines and everything’s great. But like it’s not reality. Life happens. Kids get sick, appointments pop up.

Work takes longer than you thought, right? Or somebody needs you. This has happened to me so much lately. Where someone needed something, a phone call went from five minutes to 15 to 20 to 30, right? You’re not sleeping well. That changes everything. And your energy, this has been my biggest shift as I’ve gotten older, is like I have been learning that I can plan all I want, but if I’m not planning around energy shifts, which is what we’re going to talk about a lot today, then I’m setting myself up for failure because.

Life will happen and then my beautiful plan day becomes different. And then I feel like a failure. Then I feel like a loser, right? And then it’s guilty and I’m being lazy and I don’t deserve. We were just talking about this in one of my coaching goals today about finding joy and having hobbies. And it’s like, well, I’ll do that when? I’ll do that after my house gets clean. I’ll do that after my list is done. But here’s the thing: it doesn’t make you a failure if your plan didn’t go the way you thought.

the purpose of planning is not to control things, it is about having intention. And control and intention are not the same thing. And I think sometimes I talk to people who get like, as Gretchen Ruman calls them, like the rebels, right? Like, you’re like, don’t tell me what to do, like, don’t put me in a box. And they’re like, I don’t want to plan like you. It’s not about putting you in a box, it’s not about controlling. Controlling says

I need everything according to plan. And I used to be this way. Very like, must go this way. And I learned a lesson actually, my son’s birthday was last weekend, Turn nine. Can’t believe it. Which is always like, that means the APDM’s about to be nine because I started it when he was a newborn. Wild to think about. And he has changed his mind 8,000 times about what he wants to do.

And I just went into the day and was like, What do you want to do, my man? What do you want for lunch?

What he just wanted to play video game, wanted to build his Legos. We did go and like do something as a family. We went to this like nerf place in the mall, which I hate him anti Nerf gun. I can’t stand it. But it’s something he wanted to do, and I would never have said yes if it wasn’t his birthday. So we did it. He was like, I don’t know what I want for dinner. Like he didn’t have all the plans. And old Kara would have been like, my gosh, we’re not planned enough for the birthday. And I was like, It is what it is, right? Because I was intentional.

I knew that we wanted to spend time together. I knew he wanted to pick out his things. And also it was his day. So I wanted to be available for whatever he wanted, even if it wasn’t planned. so if control is saying I need to have everything to go to according to plan, intention says I know what matters and I make choices that move me towards what matters, even if it’s not my plan. And again, this is a big distinction. I’m a control freak sometimes. I like things to go. We ever seen like the reels where it’s like

what’s wrong? And it’s like, no big deal. I just made up a plan in my head and nobody else followed it, right? I have started to release the reins on that because I can’t be so rigid all the time. I can’t look at planning like it’s controlling my day because it doesn’t leave me space to be a human being who feels differently during my day. And I want you to think the same. I want you to have intentionality and not feel like you have to control everything.

The thing about control is it creates this rigid thing, right? Intentionality is direction. And this is why I teach my themed time blocking methods, right? It’s not about I’m doing all of this every minute of every day. It’s during this block, what am I working on? Right. I don’t want you to make a color-coded schedule and become a robot. And I will tell you, in the beginning of my career, I did teach this way a little bit. It really was about like very structured schedules.

And I’ve shifted my framework over the past decade because I want to help you create your own framework for making decisions, Because when you’re just trying to plan your perfect life, you are setting yourself up to feel awful. We often will plan for a version of ourself that doesn’t exist, right? Like my planner’s like, I’m gonna wake up at five, and then you don’t, and you feel like a loser. Well, I’m gonna get this one hour workout in, and then you don’t.

Right? I’m gonna make healthy food every single day or, you know, clean my house. It’s gonna be spotless. I’m going to bed early, right? And maybe Monday like you feel great about it and then Tuesday happens and then you’re like, I knew I couldn’t stick to it. I knew I wasted this time planning and it wasn’t perfect.

The problem isn’t that you’re bad at planning. And I have to tell a lot of my moms this in the Purpose Driver Mom Club. I’ve had moms with me for years now. And they come in for the support, the accountability, and things like that. And I have to stop them and be like, you know what to do. You’re not bad, you’ve learned the system. You’re still in the program because you still would like the accountability. There’s two parts of things. There’s planning and there’s implementing, right? They’re still struggling with implementation because they’re human beings, not because they’re doing anything wrong, right? The problem is that you’re not bad at planning.

The the issue becomes you’re planning for ideal capacity instead of actual capacity. And inside my new program, OnPurposeU, which you can join at any time, Purpose of your mom club is only open a few times a year, but OPY is open all the time. So go to purpose of your mom.com slash on purpose you. I have an energy management mini course for you inside all the other great stuff there, right? Because energy management is such a big part of our lives when it comes to planning that we’re not talking about good planning.

Adequate planning, planning that will move you forward, also accounts for your energy. It also accounts for where you’re at in your cycle, right? It accounts for all those things. It accounts for the responsibilities that have gotten added onto your plate, the priorities and the season of life, and your actual capacity time-wise, Planning should help you answer the question: like, well, what matters today? And this is a different question from how do I fit it all in,

And this is a question I get with a lot of the moms that come to me. They’re like, well, how do I make it work? I want you to tell me how to make it work. And I can help you with that. But if you don’t know what matters today, then it doesn’t matter, right? This is where the better question when you’re planning is what deserves my attention today? Because you can’t do it all. And it’s okay. We have to stop expecting ourselves to be overplanned and then continue to function well. It doesn’t work that way.

I need you to start looking at your days differently, right? Maybe today’s work heavy for you and you’ve got a lot going on. Maybe it’s a kid heavy day, right? I have other volunteer and leadership positions that I do with Girl Scouts. Sometimes it’s a Girl Scout heavy day. Maybe it’s recovery day for you, and that’s okay. Intentional planning means that you learn how you can take your plan that you made and change it without your priorities disappearing, without saying, well, I can’t do it all, so I won’t do it, right?

Planning itself needs to leave room for real life. It needs to have white space and it needs to have flexibility. It’s still intentional. I’m not just waking up in the morning being like, what am I doing today? Right? I still have a focus. So I highly suggest you ask yourself when it comes to my goal. We talk about this good, better, best, but I also want to talk about ideal realistic minimum, right? I want you to ask yourself, like, what is ideal? And when I plan my week, I have a planning method I teach in my program. I plan for my ideal week. I always do.

With the caveat in my brain, then I know it’s not all gonna get done. Right? I have my top priorities there and I know that. This is like what I would love to accomplish if everything goes perfect. That’s my plan on paper.

Okay, but in my brain, I also have that realistic plan. And that is what needs to happen given the time and the energy for the day. So maybe it’s I focus on this time block. Maybe I get X amount of tasks done. Maybe these are my top priorities. So when I’m planning my week on Sundays, I plan for ideal. When I sit down at night to just look for five minutes at tomorrow, I plan more realistically. I take some things off my plate, I look at what didn’t get done, and I shift and adjust.

And then in the back of your brain, we call this the when the poop hits the found, but like what’s your minimum? Like when your day falls completely apart. I had a couple of these at the end of last year where I would have like my day, and then my daughter had trouble at school. I had to go in for meetings and I just kept thinking, like my day falls apart, right? What are you gonna do? What are your anchor habits? What are the things that are going to help when it doesn’t look perfect? I want you to make a full plan, a minimum plan, and then I also want you to make this emergency plan.

You don’t need a plan that works on your best day. You need a plan that will still work on your worst day. And this isn’t being pessimistic or Debbie Downer and like going in like nothing’s ever gonna work. It’s thinking about it in a way that’s releasing control, but allowing you to be intentional. So again, Sunday when I plan, I plan my ideal week, knowing that it’s going to go awry somewhere and that doesn’t say anything about myself. Then at night when I plan, I plan my realistic next day.

So if say I got up today, I’m looking at my planner right now. I print out a Google sheet. I don’t even use a physical planner anymore. I have my time blocks themed, I have my things. Say something happened and none of the stuff on the second half of my day just like went full out the off the rails, right? I have the strategy now to pick out what’s the one or two things I need to do, right? Planning itself though, it’s an act of self-trust.

When you plan intentionally, what you’re telling yourself is my goals matter enough for me to make space for them. We as moms plan around everyone else’s lives. My spouse needs this, my kids need this, school, appointments, meals, all the things we have to think. And then when it comes to our own goals, we’re like, well, maybe if I have time. That’s why the method I teach in the 15-minute formula, my book, feel free to grab it, Amazon.

is this. It’s 15 minutes minimum a day for you, right? Planning intentionally, not out of control, changes that. When you have something on your calendar, it’s not like I’m gonna be selfish. It’s like this matters to me too. If I want to take a little bit of time to read my book or have my joy or have my coffee or whatever it is. This matters to me too.

Planning itself also isn’t just about doing more. I know we sometimes get those two things confused, right? It’s not how can I squeeze more into my day. It’s what do I want today to be like, this week to be like, this season to be about. Intentional planning also can be like I need to do less. I need to postpone. I need to choose rest, right? A full calendar is not proof that you’re living intentionally. And we see this a lot in the social media world. People post

They’re highlights, they’re posting what they’re doing, and it makes us feel like we’re not doing enough. But the thing is, just because your calendar is full and you’re moving from thing to thing to thing and your kids look like happy, it it doesn’t mean they are, right? Because sometimes an intentional calendar is actually empty. I always let me say, I have three white spaces blocks for my week. Four. I have four. I missed one. I had one yesterday.

I finished most of my list actually and I could have done more. I could have been like, I don’t have anything to do right now. And instead I spent an hour playing a video game with my son. He just got a new game for his birthday. And it was so frustrating because my controller wouldn’t work. I was like, you little cheater. in an hour and a half actually. And I was like, This is taking forever. But it was really fun to stop and slow down with him. I could have done more work, But it isn’t the same.

Cause what mattered to me was spending time with my kid, right? So having more on your plate does not mean you’re actually intentional. Sometimes having less on your plate means you get more done. That’s the method I teach, right? I want you to plan for the life you’re building. Last week in the episode, I did a whole TED talk on midlife, right? And it was really the theme of like who am I becoming in this next chapter.

Today I’m asking you, well, how do I start to make choices to support that person? How do you start to make choices that support her, that next chapter her, right? Because if you’re entering a new chapter in your life, your calendar needs to reflect that. You can’t be like, I’m ready to start, do all these things, and there’s no space for it. If you say your health is something you want to prioritize, where is it on the calendar? My business is mattering. You know, I talked to my friend about this. I was like, I really want to grow this part of my business. Okay. Did you put it on your calendar? My marriage is really important. Great, where is it?

Friendships, you got button the calendar. Rest, you like your calendar tells a story. And sometimes, friend, come on, come in, lean in for it. The story doesn’t match the life we say that we want. I know. But the story that is becoming your life is what you’ve written down and you do on your calendar. So look at your calendar today. are those things aligned for you?

it’s Monday, right? But think about your week. I want you to ask yourself, what matters the most? And pick one to three top priorities. Yeah, so there’s more you’re gonna work on, but what are those things? And what do I have capacity for, right? Where am I at energy wise? What are the things that must happen? And ask yourself what you want to make room for. If there’s anything you can let go, get rid of that. And then always have your minimum version, just in case, right? I want you to start redefining this planning.

It’s not, here’s everything I have to accomplish. It’s, here’s what matters, here’s what I’m at capacity for. and here’s how I’m choosing to spend my time, because it’s a choice. Planning isn’t predicting a perfect future. It is preparing to participate in the future intentionally. You do not need to be more controlling of your schedule. You need to have more intention. And maybe you’ve been putting planning off, right? Because you’re like, well, everything gets interrupted. I feel like I’m failing. I don’t want to be so rigid. Then stop planning.

Just start thinking, what do I want my life to look like, right? Because life’s gonna be unpredictable. Kids are gonna need you, plans gonna change, energy fluctuates. We know these things. It’s not a planning failure, it’s just life. The goal that I have for you is to have enough clarity about what actually matters in your life that you can adjust without losing you in the process. It isn’t about controlling what happens next. It’s deciding who you wanna be when it does and what does that look like.

Go into your Regan Plan. If you have questions, hit me up on Instagram at a purpose driven mom. Show notes are at a purposedriven mom.com slash podcast 530. And if you want more of this type of lessons, head over to on purpose you. It’s my new program, $27 a month. a purposedriven mom.com slash on purpose you. Head over there, jump right into energy management. And if you’re not sure what you want next, jump into the clarity sections. School of Clarity will help you figure out what do I actually want in life. So if I’m talking all this stuff and you’re like, I have no idea, you need to join on purpose you. All right.

Have a wonderful day and we’ll talk soon.